Monday, 06/19/06 - 9:50 pm.
I like many things that have changed since I started college. I've made a lot of friends, I've learned a lot of things, not just from textobooks...I'm really happy about that.
But...some things haven't changed for the best. My relationship with my close friends has been deteriorating, and by now, I feel, we're always getting on each other's nerves.
I'm pretty sure everything began with Victor's existential phase, about two years ago, when he was unsure about the career, hated everything and didn't do anything in any group report. I have to admit I resent that to this very day.
Not only that. He just keeps doing it. He always runs away from whatever responsability he should take from a part of the work. I can think of exceptions to that, but in general, he just doesn't care.
This morning, we had our weekly meeting in the morning, for Methods of Evaluarion II, and I realized how sick I am of seeing him. How sick I am of Michelle, as well. I have no rotten feelings for Victoria, nor for Irene, but with Irene...I'm so disappointed in her. She too runs away from everything, especially from us.
This semester I got the habit of going to Victoria's house after the meeting, otherwise I'd have to spend the whole day in campus, until 6:30 pm, when I have class. So I have lunch at her house, and it's always nice. She's nice, and so is her mom.
So I was telling her about this. How I feel without any support. I had to confess, ashamed, that sometimes I feel Michelle doesn't really belong to us, and I wonder why and how she ended up hanging with us. She's the type of person who'll make a tragedy out of everything, and I've felt that even if I say "hi", that's giving her green light so start talking about this new boy she met, or how big her headache is...she reminds me of Carmen, in a way. The type of people I hate dealing with, because they're always complaining. Always. To my surprise and relief (kind of), Victoria feels the same way. I'm really ashamed of feeling this; I know Michelle needs support, and that she's a good person, but...she's always craving for attention, and she's Miss Susceptibility.
I never know at what extent I can trust of Irene. She can get lost for days, not showing up for class. You never know what she's up to, but the things she gets into concern me (having huge debts, telling in her house that she'll be at my house when she won't, hiding a relationship she has with this older guy). She's so loose, as Victor is, and seems she refuses to have a schedule, resulting in her leaving everything for the last minute. Perhaps it upsets her that I am the opposite, as I'm upset by her ways. We've never had a row, I hope we never will. I've never had personal problems with her, but Victoria has; mostly have to do with Irene's irresponsability and lack of consistence.
The worst is Victor, and I told Victoria that he and I seriously clash. She said that he told her, not too long ago, that he was sick of always getting pushed by the end of the semester; I mean, he feels I am forcing him to do last minute work of any paper we are working on at the time.
And that...just hurt me. He's not the one who goes to bed late and wakes up early, finishing by himself a paper that was supposed to be written by 8 people. I don't ask him for any amount of work, just his fucking part. Then I ask him to help me, HELP ME, on other parts because it's late and it's urgent and I can't finish it on my own. So yeah, that's ME pushing HIM.
So I can either put his name on the paper, giving him for free a grade, or I can ask him to do his part and have him raging at me for that. Either way I'm screwed. I wish I didn't have all these emotional attachments, because I'd seriously kick him out of...well, my life. I wouldn't even say we have a friendship. But I don't want to make him my enemy...more than I have already, anyway, it seems.
What upsets me is that he's still better than I am. I mean, I'm not competing, it's just that I work much harder than he does and he gets a better grade, a better situation...he gets away with everything. Goes to show he's awfully smart. He is, seriously, I admire all of his knowledge. But I can't stand him anymore. You'll never know how he'll react. It always depends on the value he places on events. Obviously, PsychComm isn't a concern for him, so he'll always miss the group meetings and do nothing, unless I ask him to, in which case he'll get mad.
Jesus, I hate him so much. I wish he realized what a fucking asshole he is sometimes.
I'm getting a headache, so I'll have happy thoughts right now: the good news is that I'm finally done with my borderline personality disorder research, I had my exposition today. I talked about ethiology and pathogenesis, and then Mr. Miscellaneous asked me to skip diagnostic and treatment, and say my conclusions and such. I'm afraid I wasn't very wordy, but in the end he said he thought I'd done a good job. However, I know I won't be getting a 10.
Oh, damn. I feel so upset that I feel like throwing up. I also feel bad for speaking ill of these people but...honestly, it's been so, so long since I've felt I could count on them.
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