Friday, 07/26/02 - 2:27 pm.
I'm truly disappointed. Today I've convinced myself that there's no hope for something between Denv and I. But maybe that's the best. Maybe people like me can't love. Maybe I suck at that. Maybe...I should shut up.
He held my hand for a long, long time. He even put his lips on my hand. He held me, he jumped on me...it wasn't like we were having sex or something like that, but that kind of things are (or should be, to avoid confusion) saved for couples. When we went our separate ways, to me it was just clear: he likes me. I even remembered what he'd told me about losing his sleep, and I remembered that in 8th grade, a boy fell in love with me and wrote me a letter saying he couldn't sleep because of me. As you can see, at that point of the morning, I was giving myself way too much credit. I had no doubt he liked me.
He played volleyball with his friends on the second recess. He went away just like that. One of my voices (the one that kept telling me I was having delusions about him) laughed at me: see? you think someone who likes you would go away just like that?. Oh, well...on the third recess, what I'd taken for granted, just faded away....
I saw him with the girl. He was all over her...I mean, playing and such. Just like he does with me...just like he does with me. I tried to distract myself from such scene that was affecting much more than I wanted to believe. When I turned my head again, I saw them (they were on the opposite side of the hallway, far away from me) sitting on the floor, and she was biting him. A lot of people bite him back, I know...but it's always the same girl, him always all over her...
It just broke my heart.
We got together during lunch, and I tried to keep my distance. He's just a friend, he's just a friend, I kept repeating. I walked him to the cafeteria and then just dropped him where his friends were. I walked away not wanting to. He'd even offered me his neck to bite. I said no, smiling. I told him I was feeling stoic. I wanted to tell him: so you were with other girl, huh? what about the "exclusivity contract"?, but I realized I had no right to tell him anything, even if it was "joking".
(Editor's note: this is where I left the entry, because of the blackout)
In the afternoon...we had a nice activity with Geovanni (psychology class). He took us to the 25th av. parking lot (that's isolated almost the whole time) and made us all cover our eyes with handkerchiefs. We'd walk around with our eyes covered, and we'd make contact with the first person we'd run into. I found a girl first, but I never found out who she was (I still don't)....her hands were soft, and she had two fine rings. Then I kept walking around and I crashed against someone...I could tell it was a boy for the hands....THE CROOOOOWWWWDDD!!!!!, Victor (not Vic) said. THE CROWD!, I yelled back (we weren't supposed to talk but almost everyone was doing it, and after his efusive greeting, I couldn't help it). And then, I ran into some fingers that I know very well...Vic. He felt my rings (I'm the only person wearing 9 rings so I'm easy to recognize) and I heard him chuckle. I liked that activity. But it's always scary to walk without seeing. We're studying perception on psycho class, how your senses perceive shit and then your brain analizes it.
When I arrived home, The Guy called me. I swear I had so much fun talking to him. Nothing relevant, just how a friend (senior) of ours nicknamed Comex (he's one of the gang that plays soccer, also known as one of the "Dinamyte Twins" on the field, because he's a soccer pro) lent him his Playstation, and he was playing FIFA 2000. I enjoyed our chat a lot. He did mention sex -oh, but of course-, but it was just a small part of the conversation. He wants to come over next week (we have it off, from wednesday), and honestly he'd somewhat tuned me on and I didn't say no. I mean, he was being himself. I love that. I love to feel we can talk just about anything. I didn't know he was from Mexico. I came here when I was 7 months old....awww...
I can't remember what else happened yesterday....oh, yeah! Betty lent me her CD....THE STROKES! Happy times, yes. After my disappointment, having the CD in my backpack was my only comfort.
There was a terrible storm at night, and the lights went out. My period arrived, 15 days later than normal.