To leave.
Sunday, 08/20/06 - 9:13 pm.

I had not felt like this in a long time. Not simple sadness, but some kind of depression that makes me want to stay still. I've been wanting to cry all day, and I have a few times. I felt the urge to cut, but I was scared Joseph would find out. It's been an incredibly long day.

Here's the thing: Joseph called me on friday night, to tell me his friend LC and his wife, NC, had invited us to their house for dinner and a movie, on saturday night. This is the guy that had his birthday get-together like a month ago, which is when I met him, and I was happy to know I'd made a good impression on him and his wife.

I told my dad I was going out when I was, in fact, going out the door. I went to pick up Joseph, and I'd bought a box of chocolates for them, because I hate to be invited and get there with empty hands.

It was a wonderful evening. It was just the four of us, unlike the birthday get-together, and that made me feel more comfortable. I love their apartment. We talked for a while in their living room, and then NC said she'd prepare dinner. I'm reluctant to follow traditional gender patterns, but I went to the kitchen to help her, while Joseph and LC went to buy some ice. They are from a neighbor country, and I learned they came here just after they got married, about a year and a half ago.

Dinner was great. The conversation was all about how they met, and how Joseph and I met. LC's and NC's story has a lot in common with ours. The meal consisted of salad, meat and rice, and dessert. I was offered wine and another alcoholic beverage, but I really can't stand alcohol.

We were eating at past 8, and my dad called me, asking if I was going to come home soon to drop my sister off at the apartment she's living in for a while. I'd said I would come and take her, but when I was leaving I understood it wouldn't be necessary, so I hesitated on the phone, and he said he'd do it. He asked where I was, I told the truth: at an apartament, with friends. It was a short chat, but during a moment Joseph and I had alone after dinner, I told him I was in for the scolding of my life.

9:30, and the Cs were popping in a movie. I wanted to cry, with the expectation of what was waiting for me at home, but I tried to hide it and pretend I was enjoying it. At past 10, I got another call, this was from my mom. I don't remember much of it, but it was bad, and I inmediately grabbed the keys and told Joseph we had to leave.

I apologized to them, they understood. Earlier, they were saying they'd love if I went to Guatemala next time Joseph and the store gang goes, and I was nodding, and smiling, saying that'd be great, but in my head I knew I couldn't go. Earlier, LC had asked me why -in a friendly way-, if Joseph and I have been together for two years, I seemed to stay aside from his circle. When I explained him who was calling me and what for, I said this is why you don't see much of me. NC said, her dad was like that, and she understood completely.

Then, I apologized to Joseph, when I was driving him home. He too said he understood what was going on. By that time I was more calm than when I got the first call, though, so I was thinking of being cool about it, and whatever my parents had to say, I'd listen, and I'd be honest. Brutally honest.

I need to get out that house, I said. Come live with me, Joseph replied. I told him about the money, I don't have an income of my own. I'll pay university for you! I blow $100 on trivial shit, I might as well put them to some use. Believe me, I would be happy to invest my money on you, on your education, on whatever you need. I have to admit, it's tempting. I wouldn't take the investing on me part, but I know he is serious about me moving in. I see us living like LC and NC, I want that to happen.

When I got to his driveway, he asked me to promise him we'll get married. I promised. Obviously.

I came to my house and picked up my sister. She was just an excuse that my parents used to bring me home; my dad was going to drive her, anyway. She apologized for interrupting my evening, but I know it wasn't her fault at all. If there's anyone who supports me, and understands what I'm going through, it's her. Did my dad say something?, I asked her. "No". But he will, I'm sure. "Don't doubt it. You just let it slide".

It wasn't that long of a lecture, though. Not the scolding I was expecing, thankfully. If I recall correctly, he said something like: I'll say this just once... and went on about how this isn't the time to be driving around at 11 pm, that he trusted me but this wasn't the time to be out so late, that my mom just got operated (huh?! she had surgery a week ago, but so what?!) and that then he's the one who gets the phone call at midnight (WHAT FUCKING PHONE CALL?! YOU NEVER HAVE GOTTEN A PHONE CALL AT MIDNIGHT!!!).

I just said I understood him, and when I did, the conversation was over to me. I was biting my tongue to ask why he never said anything to my brothers, who used to come home at 2 am, but I know it'd be getting into a heavier argument. Right, I'm a girl. He rants about the obvious so you can only say "you're right". I know it's dangerous out there, I AM SCARED. But I've also decided that I'm not going to let my fear keep me in the house, rotting away.

I wrote a lot about how I felt last night. I realized I need to leave this house, because I can't grow anymore with my parents. Not all the times I declined to go out with friends was because I didn't feel like; sometimes I was just scared to ask them. Now I go out whenever I please, and I guess that bothers them. He wouldn't threaten me with taking away my car or stop paying college, he'd go by the side of feeling sorry for himself and sending me on a huge guilt trip, like he tried to do when he brought up my mom.

I'm very, very hurt and pissed off. It's probably an exaggeration, but I feel discriminated. It's not just that they cut off my evening and used false arguments to make me come home. It's that they never did that to my brothers. For the time being, I don't feel like doing it again, but the second I get a chance of going out at night, I will.

I'll be leaving this house as soon as I can. I'm getting ready for it. I have all this resentment to my parents, it's like poison in my veins. They've been good parents, but they cut off my wings. Their faces of disapproval, their lectures on how the world is so ugly that I must stay in the house to be safe, the way they've taken my relationship with Joseph (never a single smile, or a word of encouragement, or an "I'm happy for you")...that, and a few other things, I will never forgive them for.

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