Saturday, 11/18/06 - 8:57 pm.
Today's not been a good day. For no other reason that I've been feeling bad. Sad. Like the old me. It didn't help that I sucked at today's discussion, but I've been like this for a little while.
See, I didn't study for today's [Psychological Treatment] discussion. I failed all questions in the quiz and I talked shit. I feel so inadequate in those activities, they just make me feel pathetic and ignorant. Any connection I felt with my professor, I lost it today. He looked at my lame quiz, and chuckled. I don't blame him, though. At least I lent him Prozac Nation.
I didn't study because...I just didn't feel like. I've been procrastinating like I never had before, because I just...don't want to work. I've been "not in the mood" to work a lot of times, but this not-in-the-mood was never strong enough to actually keep me from working.
To put it in clinical terms, I was having fantasies of talking to my professor after the discussion was over. I was hoping he'd ask why I failed the quiz, and I'd tell him I didn't feel like doing it. And from then on, I could spill my heart out. Didn't happen, but I'm glad. I didn't want to look like suddenly I'd decided to make him my confident.
Luckily, after the awful morning, I was going to hang out with Joseph. I gave him his christmas present, a cordless phone. We ordered salads for lunch, and in the meantime, we had to do something that we hadn't done in a month. But while we were doing it, I started to cry, and this time around it had nothing to do with the act itself.
I tried to explain to him that, before he came along, I used to cry often, and often without a reason. It had nothing to do with, well, anything, because I've had it all (the basics and some pluses), and I certainly appreciate it all. I've just had some ache, some painful hole in my chest, that makes me cry and feel sad here and there. He cheered me up, but I still cried a lot, and after the salad, I was so tired I had to take a nap.
I was more calm after my time with him. He's really, really caring, and listened to me the whole time, even though he still didn't get why I was sad (I didn't, either).
But to not dwell anymore on this subject, I'll say I still feel a little down, but I'm glad he's in my life. And I'm sorry that I'll be spending my vacation away from him. That, he told me. He's a little upset that the free time I have, I go on a trip. He wasn't asking me to stay, or anything. He said he just wished I had more time for him, and I know that, and I'm sorry. I should've stayed less in Houston, but the ticket's already paid for. All I can do is try to make up for it during this time. I'm in love with him. And I love that I still get butterflies when I see him.
I hope I can find some will to start catching up this weekend.
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