Tuesday, 07/30/02 - 9:57 pm.
It all started early in the morning, when I had just arrived to school and I even still had my backpack on.
But wait, before that, I'll mention other crap. I received some gifts today: a spermatozoid from Vic (he made it with a white razor, it looks cool), some hair accesory and Oreo cookies from Adri, a rare Che Guevara coin from Cuba, from Nayda...very nice.
And something else....we listened to HOLE IN MY SOUL!!!! It was in english class. I heard Joe's guitar licks coming from room C, next to mine. I spent the second recess with Cel, watching the gang play soccer. She told me everybody mentioned my name when the song came on. Around 30 people saying my name because of Aerosmith? Fuck, how cool. We said "good night Taj - good night Chelsea" in memory of you, she said. I told her I felt very excited yet fearful about it. I felt as if I was about to meet them or something *that* dumb. But Cel, I can't sing...I do sing, but never in public...SHIT, I'M SO NERVOUS!. Why do we sing in class? Just because. It's like a break from work. Once in a while Diana, the english teacher, brings in the tape recorder and puts a song and gives us the lyrics to it. So there. We sang hole in my soul and two others. I sang my lungs out. You sing pretty cool, Art said. Huh. I wish.
Dammit, I fuckin' love Aerosmith *tears*
OK, now let's get back to the beggining....."I still had my backpack on..."
...and Roberto approaches and hugs me. He's taller than me, so I usually leave my lipstick on his shoulder. I didn't today, but he said I should...kiss me there so we can say we're secret lovers and we can make Denver jealous. I put my lips on his shoulder.
I swear I didn't know it'd cause such a commotion.
Carmen and Norman were commenting on my lip marks. Well, many people were. But of course, as a joke. We're not "lovers" or anything. But...Denv was affected. He acted very offended. I won't talk to you until next recess.
The next recess...he did talk to me but was still offended. You know, he's jealous. I'm telling you, he's pissed off, Carmen said. Yes, I think he was. He was wandering around trying to make me jealous. He did rub what I did in my face several times. Shame on me!...or something.
We stayed at school in the afternoon, because at 5:30 there was this St. Ignatius mass and of course, the pastoral crowd had to be there.
You know what was very crappy? That everytime Denv would come around, Roberto was with me. Carmen and/or Norman and/or someone else would remind him that I'd "cheated" on him. So there was this kind of war between him and me, trying to make the other jealous.
I think he was indeed kind of hurt. Shame on me!...or something.
Anyway, in the afternoon...I was with Carmen, sitting on the hallway floor, near my classroom door, just finishing lunch when Roberto approached and rested his head on my lap. Denv was arriving and Roberto moved over when he yelled: hey, that's my place!. So they switched places, and Denv laid his head on my lap. I caressed the back of his head. Have I mentioned he purrs like a kitten when I do that? it's neat, I tell you. Very cute.
His classes finished at 3 o'clock and we got together then. From that moment on, until I left school, Carmen and Norman kept talking with him and between themselves, behind my back. I don't know...I really don't know about what.
The whole thing felt like a DisMissed episode. Roberto kept laughing at Denv, saying that my lipstick had been on his shirt twice (the first was accident). Denv used our yes, but you haven't seen nothing until you're with her all night long technique. Of course, Roberto doesn't care about it, he's not in love with me and therefore isn't jealous of that statement.
I was with Denv and Norman, and they usually are using sexual innuendos. Denv put a cookie in his mouth and held it between his teeth. Norm went: I dare you to take the cookie out of his mouth with your own. Did I? yes, I did. Norm only went ho-oly shit!, laughing with amusement. Next time we'll try with peanuts, Denv said.
They did it. I wasn't with them. It was around 4 o'clock and Denv, Norman and Carmen went to the cafeteria. When they got back, they told me that Carmen and Denver had taken a small chip out of Norman's mouth. By then, I was feeling overwhelmed. The constant dismissed thing, the constant whispering behind my back, the constants I-dare-you's....Norm and Carmen said they'd touch each other but in return, Denv and I should do something, too. We did not. Norman and Carmen are very confident with each other, it's not like they'd have an orgy or something...let's just say they could perform Will & Grace. But anyway...they said we were chickens and we just talked and talked but never do anything...you could tell they were trying to piss us off to make us do something. But we did not fall for it.
It wasn't until the middle of the mass that I had a rather logical thought: what if he in reality does not like you?. It'd been so certain to me so far. He's always approaching to me, always holding me in his arms or trying to find an excuse to do so, saying "stuff"...he practically followed me everywhere today. And it seemed that practically all our friends were commenting something about us. It's like they'd taken for granted we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Even Karla (who, by the way, is Denv's godmother) said to me we needed to talk seriously about me having to choose between those two boys. She could be my mother-in-law, but only once. Of course she was kind of joking. But still...it was kind of embarrasing. I never meant to create such a public conflict. To make it even worse, the lipstick wouldn't come off. Roberto carried my mark the whole day....even during mass.
I must admit...I felt so overwhelmed, I wondered if I had suffered so much for nothing. I wondered if I truly loved him. I never answered that question...because I didn't think I'd need to. I was overwhelmed by him. I felt harrassed by Carmen and Norman and their annoying whispering. I didn't know anything. Anything. I didn't know my own feelings toward him.
- Norm: you don't know Frog? You haven't met the best thing in her house.
- Denv: yes, I have...I know her.
- Carmen: he hasn't done it yet.
- Norm: he's in class right now.
- Carmen: but it's a bet.
- Norm: *yours-truly*, what a gay b...uh, sex object you have (to clarify: Denv always says I only use him as a sex object).
Stuff like that confuses me. They have taken our little game way too far. You know, it just could be that he acts as if he liked me, but that doesn't mean he does. I mean, my group of people is very...that way. I mean, we play a lot with sexual innuendos. On the other hand...sometimes I feel there's more to it than a strange friendship...and even more today, I felt it coming from him...and I felt overwhelmed and even wanting to run away from everybody, from him. I hate it when third parties are involved in my (little) love life.
I do not know anything. I don't know what I want. I'm very confused by everybody's behavior.
Now the saddest part is that I won't see him until next wednesday. And we won't have classes in the afternoon together until...two weeks. Oh, confuse-dom.
Cel said that she saw in me a different expression, towards him..."ironic and sexy". Huh. Well, thanks. Claudia (Norm's ex-girlfriend) said my lips are pretty (when she saw them on Roberto's shirt). Cel...damn, she dragged me to the girls' room mirror and made me look at myself...you are very pretty, she said. Thanks. I'm very stoic about it though. But I'm glad Art though my voice sounded cool next to Steven Tyler's voice. Fuck, what a nice compliment.
Ok, Let's cut the crap, shall we?
Pablo: (*long philosophycal silence*) Damn, what will I do tomorrow if I wake up and I'm famous?
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