Irreconcilable differences.
Friday, 04/06/07 - 4:29 pm.

I'm not very in the mood to write, but a few things are going through my head, perhaps because of the free time I've had this week. I'll try to go in order, comment a little, and go watch That 70's Show.

01. My niece: I've heard she's gotten back to her bitchy self, throwing stuff at her parents and the like. We were watching Freaky Friday with my parents two nights ago, and the first scenes were perfect to describe to them the culture my niece is in: overly dramatic and egocentric, "you're ruining my life" is what you'll always get as the caretaker; I guess it's normal to feel that when you're a teenager, but as a far as I've experienced, in this culture the feeling is not intense enough to insult and hurt your parents, and run away from home everytime you have an argument with them.

It bothered me a lot learning she's back to that, and me, I'm back to thinking that what she needs is a good slapping (it's probably not true, but you know in my mind I get violent towards her). And I'm sorry for her parents, who have to put up with all her acting-outs. I kind of feel bad for admitting this, and it may be due to the fact that I'm not a parent yet, but with a child like that, I'd strongly regret I'd had her from time to time.

02. The beach: I went yesterday. I didn't realize I needed a real break from my usual enviroment. We went to brother #3's mother-in-law place. She's a wonderful woman. Everyone's on vacation this week, and usually everybody flees to the coast, but this was a private place so it was just family. My parents talked about how they met, and that sort of gave me hope about their marriage.

02.5. My brother #3 asked me about Joseph, introducing the conversation with a: "so, mom told me about your boyfriend...". I didn't feel embarrassed, like I'd have felt if I was talking to my mom. But he got kind of lecture-ish. Again, I wasn't upset for this, as I'd have been if it was somebody else, but I knew everything he was saying.

Especially, the "he just works" topic. My brother said that it mattered because if he wasn't minimally prepared, all he'd get through his life were going to be informal, unstable jobs, and if we were to "get formal" in our relationship, that could be serious trouble. He put new words to this trouble, but it's my permanent affliction. He also said that I should keep track of my life like I've always have. I told him we've been together for three years, and Joseph knows very well that my studies are my priority.

But after the short talk -we were interrumpted-, I felt really bad. Because I just can't Joseph look good to the eyes of my family! Sure he's a great person altogether, he looks after me, he respects me (*cough* he cares for my needs in bed*cough*), he supports me...but the real resume is a disgrace, and that's what matters to them because that's what they can see: he hasn't gone beyond high school, he has an informal job, and he looks like a criminal. My brother has seen him, and he agreed that with his looks, my parents would be less than thrilled. And yeah, I just HAD to mention to my brother about the tattoos, good going!.

So I feel trapped, between Joseph and my family. I don't see him fitting in my family, if for some miracle straight from Heaven we got married; and I don't see them accepting him, unless the same miracle acted upon him and made him get some preparation to apply for better jobs and clean up his image. He's not good enough for my family, and I love him to death, but he isn't also good enough for marriage if he continues living like that.

Of course I've considered giving him an ultimatum, get yourself together or lose me. He'd probably choose to lose me because "that's who he is", a miserable loser, and losing me is his destiny (man, he loves to say that). I've already pointed out to him that he's not good enough for me because he thinks he isn't.

I've been very sad the entire day because of this. I know I didn't give my brother the best description I should have, I believe I went for pouring out my frustrations, about how incompatible he is with the average of the population (meaning my family).

I feel so hurt, and I'm afraid eventually I'll have to choose him or my family, in a way. I choose him and lose my family's respect, I choose them and their expectations and lose him. I'd like both sides to make concessions, but it seems that's out of my control.

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