I'm sorry I'm taking it out on you.
Friday, 05/18/07 - 9:24 pm.

My day's been crap. I'm deeply unmotivated, getting low grades and failing everything. You know why, at least partly? Because this semester, everything I do depends on other people.

Like today, I was supposed to evaluate a kid at the public school, and it turned out he got suspended, for scarring a classmate's face with a pencil. Violence is the basis of their relationships, so don't be too surprised. But anyway. That's a lost week. I could pray next friday he won't be suspended, but I'm already behind.

It affected very much. I got back to the university with an eloquent face that scared a lot of people away. I lost a lot of time. I did little work.

Then I took off to go see Joseph. The traffic was a killer. When I got to his house, I was too upset, and started to cry. Everything was tense until he offered me ice cream. We kind of got in the mood, but I was too tired to really do my part. I ended up kicking him off the bed (well, he left, after I took his hands off my body repeteadly), and then sleeping until 8 pm, when it was time to go home.

He begged me to stay. I didn't. So he was mad, and as a goodbye, he just gently squeezed one of my arms and walked away.

I admit it: I could've had a different attitude. But I'm so torn to pieces with everything that's there to do, that I'm becoming highly emotional and prone to explosions. I don't see Joseph very often. And when I do, I'm not too responsive. It was our 3rd anniversary yesterday. We didn't celebrate, but in my defense, he said it was no big deal, that what's important is our every day relationship.

He was very upset. Could he be thinking of breaking up with me? I don't know. Maybe. I know I don't want that to happen, but also I undestand that currently I'm not the best company one could wish for.

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