Sunday, 07/29/07 - 5:18 pm.
My dad just bought me all the medicines the doctor prescribed. My wisdom teeth are being taken out on wednesday, oh, joy. Some people have said it's nothing, others have said it's horrendous. I guess I can't do anything but wait and see for myself.
Vacations have started. And soon they'll be ending. I'm upset because I can't be clever and write a story for a contest that I'd really like to enter. I'm getting lazier by the hour, because the semester approaching is my last semester of the career, and I already have a few tasks to do. I certainly don't feel like working on them, now nor later. However, I cannot say I haven't enjoyed my vacation. I've gone tons of places with my family and nephew #1.
Briefly: I dreamed that D (!!!) wanted me back, but then again, the dream took place still in high school. Meh. Then I ran into The Guy a few days ago at a mall. It was nice to see him, but...meh. I just hope he won't call me when he's all horny.
I met up with S one of these days, too, just for the sake of it. I laugh at me having a crush on him at the beggining of the semester. We're really good friends, and we talked for hours. In fact, he encouraged me to go out more and stand up against my parents when it comes to me trying to have a little freedom and spend time with my boyfriend. Not to be rebellious or disrespectful, just stand upright, be clear, communicate, and focus more on how I feel than on the things I believe my parents are thinking. Surely I do not drink, smoke, take drugs, drive fast or anything, and they know it. So what should be the problem with me arriving at 11 pm, for example?
So because of this talk, I decided to go with Joseph to see the Simpsons Movie. He called me and said: I know you're gonna say no, but I have to try, and started saying he'd like to invite me, but the screening was at some mall I despise and it was at 8 pm. But he had already found someone to drive us, so I wouldn't bother with that. It wasn't out of this world, but I considered this would be my first step towards being and feeling free.
I said yeah, let's go. But I was looking after nephew #1 that night, and in the end, we decided to bring him along. A few hours before the movie, he calls me saying he had no ride. I understand this wasn't his fault at all, but I got really pissed off, and he could tell. I said I'd drive us there, but I also said we HAD to go because I'd already told my nephew and he was excited about going. Days later, Joseph told me this upset me, because we were going mostly for him than for us. Yeah, kind of. But it was like that because I'd promised that I wouldn't go to that mall unless it was Joseph the one driving (some twisted encouragement to get his damn license).
I'm still not very sure why I was so upset. But I tried to get over it and not ruin the night, so yes, we had a lot of fun. The day after, I was going to take Joseph to buy some stuff for a trip to Guatemala. I canceled, because I thought my period was coming, I was having cramps. It didn't, and hasn't come.
Day after-after, yesterday, we went shopping. I went to pick him up 20 minutes later than we'd agreed on, but he was still asleep. His bedroom was gross, because he had had a party last night, with lots of booze and cigarretes. I felt highly disappointed, and even angrier. For no reason, because actually, I don't mind his parties, or his drinking and smoking with his friends. What upset me was finding him asleep. Plain and simple. Honestly, should I be upset about that?
We went shopping, cool. We came back. I didn't want any physical contact. A few times he asked me what was wrong, and said that I couldn't fool him, he knew me too well and something was going on in my head. You have a "I want to tell him but I don't know how to" face. And that was exactly what was going on.
But I don't even know what is it that I want to tell him. I've been angry at him for some things, but I don't know how to spell them out. I was hoping to tell him today, we were supposed to go out for pizza, but he called in saying he's sick. For a second I thought "is this because I cancelled on you before?". I'm supposing, and I mustn't do that. He tends to suffer from his stomach, with the poor habits he has. There's no reason why he'd cancel, really, other than being sick.
I'm being pretty irrational on some things concerning him, aren't I? And just as I write these lines, I'm guessing it's better that I be honest with him about how I feel, even though it's confusing. He could help me figure things out. Joseph, why am I angry at you? He's actually a terrific boyfriend.
Except...he leaves for Guatemala tomorrow, for four days. He thought this could be one of the reasons why I was upset yesterday. It's not, I know he likes doing that, and he meets people and wins tournaments and shit. But right now it's turned in an obstacle to have a honest conversation with him ASAP. He's coming back after my wisdom teeth are out, so I won't be able to talk to him until maybe at the end of the week.
And by then, vacations will be ending, and my last semester begins. Trips to the public school, graduation paper introductions, scholarship hunting...time flies, and I feel stranded.
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