Saturday, 08/25/07 - 11:38 pm.
I'm researching on sexual abuse, for an essay I have to write for my brother #3's class (he teaches Readings In Psychology Of Liberation). It's a subject that causes me horror, that's even gotten in the way of my relationship with Joseph on the sexual side of it...which is probably why I'm getting more and more committed to learn about it, face it and -hopefully one day- help people who've suffered it or are at risk of suffering it.
I had a very interesting thought yesterday, while reading about acquaintance and date rape. I was thinking of The Guy. By all means I can tell he was abusive at first with me, and then I just kind of joined in the "game". He didn't have a lot of power over me (sexual abuse is about power, rather than sex drive) as we were equals, and I guess he meant no harm. I was hurt then, and I kind of regret some things, but I'm not traumatized. I happen to think it was a funny situation I got myself into, and I learned a few things, even if it broke my heart a little.
I wondered if he really did have an issue. He always seemed so obsessed with sex...although he meant no harm, he also seemed to believed he was doing me a favor. So yesterday I thought...what if he's tried this with other girls? I'd tend to think he has, but could he ever respond violently or would force anyone who said no? I wouldn't know, really. He didn't with me. I remember he tried to get me into his room (we were on retreat) holding my hand, but I said no and backed off. He tried to convince me kissing me (my first kiss, yuck), but that only confused me more; I didn't gave in, though, and I thank myself for that. Part of me is very suspicious of his whereabouts now, but I'm just thinking out loud, I guess. I don't know.
Then I thought about Joseph and the first time we had a real sex encounter. I definitely think he was abusive, beggining that day he tried to finger me, I said no, he said ok and then tried again without my consent. I was hurt, and he knew. He couldn't even face for two days. Then, the day he got around to finally enter me, he made me cry, and again, I was confused...but this time I was with a real boyfriend, and I knew how much he wanted it, so I couldn't tell him to stop. To make matters worse, he confused my feelings and thought I was enjoying it. I'm not sure I have entirely forgiven him about that, because I remember and I still feel bad.
I don't let go, though. I've spoken to him clearly about those two encounters, and he knows he hurt me. I'm thinking that was grounds to break up with him, but that day, after he was done I told him what I was really feeling; and I brought it up again, when I was bit more mature, mentally. Up to this day, when I ask him to stop, he stops.
It's a touchy subject, isn't it? He still pisses me off with some of his preconceptions about rape. But it's my goal to prove him wrong, eventually. I think this subject is going to be my graduation work.
***
Yesterday, I had the feeling everybody was asking me favors. That's my life, I guess, because I can't say no. I don't quite mind, but sometimes it's too much. And especially my friends: lend me your book to photocopy, lend me your notebook (ATTEND CLASS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!), give me a ride, give me, give me, give me. I HATE IT when Victoria asks me to give her a ride. I can't say no because even though she lives near campus, her way home is deserted and dark at 8:10 pm. But I hate it. Joseph said she's abusive in that sense. She is, and I hated the way she *told * me I was giving her a ride.
So yesterday was one of those days. The worst part is that I was supposed to meet up with Joseph after class. Giving Victoria a ride delayed me 20 minutes (traffic), and afterwards I had to give a ride to two more girls, and pick up dinner for him and me. I got to his house at almost 9 pm, exploding and feeling a little abused...as in everybody always wants something from me, but I know I could never count on them to return the favor if I was in need.
At least it was nice finding Joseph concerned about me. He didn't know how to cheer me up so he played an Aerosmith video, "falling in love (is hard on the knees)". It brought me back to 1997, the greatest year of my life, even though I can't remember anything from it, except by listening to the music that came out at that time. And of course, that's when I fell madly in love with Aerosmith. So yeah, the video made me grin.
But what convinced me of a higher power trying to make up for me and the demands I face from people, was that suddenly Joseph goes: hey, this friend of mine came over today and tried on your guitar earring. He said it was cool, but it made him look gay. "Wait, my earring?". Yeah. I explained to him that you'd lost the other one so you'd left it here.
See, last time I was with him, before we got into action, I went to his bathroom and realized that one of my guitar earrings was missing. I'd removed it in the afternoon to turn it around, and I thought that it probably fell shortly afterwards. I ran to tell him, very disappointed, because it was one of my favorite pairs. I removed the remaining one and put it somewhere in Joseph's bedroom. When I was leaving, I took it and brought it home, sure I'd never see its partner again.
So when Joseph showed me the earring his friend had tried on, I knew very well that the other one was at my house. So I started to laugh, because neither of us had any idea how it just showed up. Joseph thought all along that the earring in his bedroom was the one I removed after realizing I'd lost its pair. Probably the maid found it somewhere on the way between the garage and Joseph's bedroom, and left it there; he found it and thought I'd forgotten it. And with such happening, I was convinced that all the favors I did that day were returned by Someone Up There. I don't know, I just felt really comforted.
And that's it for now. I have a few tasks to pursue for the rest of the weekend, and I need to sleep. G'night.
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