Friday, 09/21/07 - 10:45 pm.
I know I already said this, but I'm still amazed at how humans are able to get stuck in patterns of relationships that repeat over and over again. I realized how freakishly (?) similar is what I'm going through right now, with what I went through in senior high. Well, the content is different, but the context in general is the same: I am having the greatest and the worst time, while an era is coming to an end.
The worst: what I mentioned in my last entry. My "friends" (Victoria, Irene, Victor) have pushed me aside. That was very clear yesterday, when they went for coffee after class, without telling me. After class, I was giving Irene a ride; the other two, and their new best friend were on their way to grab a bite. Irene was coming to my car, she found them on her way there, and then she told me she wasn't going to go with me anymore. I was giving two other girls a ride, and they make me laught. But I was very hurt.
Victor rarely speaks to me, unless it's necessary. We're stuck in a group, so it is indeed. But other than that, he never looks at me when he arrives at a place where I am, and at the most, waves goodbye at me when he leaves. He's not rude or anything, but you can tell. Irene and Victoria sit at the end of the class with him, when usually they'd sit in second or third row, next to me. It's been gradual. Victoria has been sitting at the back for some time, Irene was always next to me.
I don't know if it was that obvious, that they've push me aside...but Michelle sat next to me today, when usually, she sits in front row. You know, I was even thinking of doing my graduation research with her. The most important thing about your research is not what you do but who you do it with. And by now, she's probably the only one I really get along with, out of -what used to be- the gang.
So yeah, this takes me back to senior high, with D., and even the Carmen-Veronica fiasco in 8th grade (funny thing, Carmen is an instructor so I see her often; meh, that's alright). This stupid pattern of being close to someone and suddenly being ignored and abandoned by them. And with the gang, I'm still their fucking taxi driver, and I don't know how to say no to that. Joseph says that's what hurts HIM the most, is that I can't refuse to being used. I'm doing them a favor, but yeah...I remember the night I gave them a ride and they were talking between them. Their conversation wasn't really directed at me.
So there you go. I'm very hurt. I try not to look further than I should. Like, they probably don't sit next to me not because they don't want to see me, but rather because they want to sit together where they can talk during class (damn, they talk a lot...I wish some professor told them to stop). I wonder if they're being like this on purpose, if they're as angry at me as I am at them, or if it's just the natural way of things, this relationship running its course.
*Sigh* I even feel like cutting myself.
The great part, though: I am having the time of my life. I love psychology, I love every subject I'm taking, and even though sometimes the amount of work overwhels me...I can't say how satisfied I feel.
Being an instructor for W (my professor last semester, and friend of my brother #3's, hence I know him since I was 10) is amazing. He gave me this opportunity to have discussion groups. It's 63 people, so I have 12 groups. It can be hard sometimes, but I'm so happy. He gave me full freedom to evaluate those discussions, and the students I've met are really nice. They seem to appreciate me.
Today was the midterm of Psychology of Learning, the subject I'm the instructor for. I skipped class to help W watch the group while they took the exam. I like doing that. I don't get bored, you have to be aware the whole time, in case someone is cheating or need your help. Plus, it's much better going through an exam when you're on the other side: not taking it.
After the exam, I gave W a ride. In the car I told him about this thing with my friends. I'd told him I wasn't with them for some project, so he was curious why. I tried to keep it clean, not to put the blame on them, because I'm sure I'm at fault, too. He understood very well, and I went "dammit" in my head where we got to the point where I was dropping him off. It was nice talking openly about it.
I'm very attracted to W. Not romantically, it's not that. Perhaps because he's a therapist (PhD and all), one feels drawn to talking to him. A lot of people do, people look for him to pour his heart out. He's one of those people that focus their attention on you, so you feel like the most important person in the room. He's a wonderful listener. Talking to him makes me want to see a therapist. And, he's talked me into getting a specialty in clinical psychology; he tried to "sell" me that idea. Now I want to be a cognitive-behaviorist, to be precise. Man, he's good.
Oh, and let's not forget Sulley! I love that girl. One of these days she came to the cubicle with a banana covered in chocolate, that she'd bought me for me. Completely unexpected. She called me a few hours ago, just to tell me she couldn't stand it anymore, and she had to tell some guy that she's in love with him. It cracked me up, and she's so cute. She's finished her grad paper, and she'll be graduating in october. Wow, pretty soon, yes.
Oh, and Joseph! I'm so in love with that guy! I went to visit him last night; we spent a good portion of our time talking and cuddling. I'd heard a few of his epic adventures earlier in the afternoon, from an old friend of his, and I was thinking "my God, am I really dating that freak? Cool!". I don't know what I'd do without him in my life.
Well, I've expressed my share of conflicts and joys. I'd better get to study. More soon. G'night.
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