I don't know what's going to happen.
Tuesday, 10/30/07 - 9:23 pm.

How is it possible that, if everybody's always complaining about W, not one single soul out of his 63 students retired the subject? I ask this in despair because I have a pile of exams I have to check tonight. Otherwise, I know he's won most of them over, and also, I guess people think (some foolishly) that they'll pass the subject this semester.

I'm not very well. Joseph hasn't called. I want to send him a little message, telling him that I haven't gotten in touch with him not because I'm busy, but because this is something HE has to think over. It kills me, I miss him. I'm very, very numb for the most part of the day. But then it hits me and I cry, because I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what will happen.

I've given up on the idea of doing my undergrad thesis with anyone from the gang. I bring the gang up constantly here because although they don't really speak to me anymore, I'm very hurt and I feel terrible. I'm thinking I'll tell one of them why I decided to stop working with them in the first place ("different work styles", to be diplomatic), and that I hope it didn't seem to be a personal thing. However, if you asked me in private, I'd say yeah, I resent some things. The funny thing is they'll always get away with everything. I know right now they're working their assess off because they have an exposition tomorrow and haven't done much. But by the time they stand in front of the class tomorrow, it'll look professional and like they put a lot effort and TIME on it.

A story I sent in for a contest wasn't elected. I'm ambivalent on this; I don't care, and I don't have time for hobbies (writing has had to become just a hobby)...yet I feel kind of bad because I think I'm not good enough to qualify. HOWEVER, that'd be obvious, given I don't practice. I honestly have a hard time making stories, and putting them on paper. So I expected it.

Ugly Clinical Practice midterm tonight. I'm not very hopeful.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

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