Saturday, 08/10/02 - 11:11 am.
Um, well...I should be at the orphanage working on my social service, but I decided to rebel against the system that takes form of Karla, the pastoral department coordinator, and lies to me and uses me. I'll do my best to sneak out of pastoral, suddenly I got sick of being "part" of it.
Last night it was a big turning point for me. I was talking to Denv online. Well, no, that's not the point. The point is when he signed off, I thought that maybe I'm making a huge mistake. You see, right now it seems you've taken for granted he's in love with you...yeah, ok, sometimes he acts that way. But what if he's not? What if it's all part of your friendship? Remember that's the way you've always treated each other. Are you going to continue with these stupid feelings? You can't and you fuckin' know it. Blah, blah, blah...a long speech of the voices in my head, that lasted a few seconds (It wasn't exactly "speaking", it was the idea...hasn't it happened to you that in your mind you jump to long conclusions in just seconds and you talk much faster?).
So I went to bed crying. I'd decided I should give up on him. We are just friends.
Speaking of friends, I was also talking to Rene last night and he said he was not virgin anymore. He's a shy, shy, shy guy but it didn't surprise me at all. Good for him, I thought. Only he said he regrets doing it. He felt bad about it. He liked the girl, but not loved her. I was going to tell him then why the hell did you do it, stupid? but
a) I know the answer (hormones)
b) that's the last thing he needs to be told at a moment like this one.
He always hints that he's still in love with me, and that bothers me. It's pretty sad, but he stimulates my cruel, cold side. I always have to be watching out for what I reply to him.
I still think I don't want to be a psychologist. That's boring. That's normal. On the reflection morning we were asked to make a drawing on our future. With symbols, we'd tell how we were seeing ourselves in 10 years or so. I didn't know what to draw. So I ended up drawing an orca whale. Because they are cool.
I have a mix of feelings...something between self-destruction tendences and humble optimism. I feel overwhelmed with tasks. I have to study for monday (math exam) and tomorrow I have to record a radio show with four friends, for lit class. Actually, those are all my tasks (at least for now), but it feels like a lot.
Emotionally, what bothers me is Denv. No, I mean...my feelings for him. Of course I'll still talk to him. Of course I'll still wait for him until he comes online...I'll do what I always do. Only this time I won't expect all that to pay off. So there.
Lost hope = freedom.
Speaking of equations, Simeon says that...
1 + 1 = 3
Yes, there's a mistake, he states: they didn't use protection.
Oh, well. There goes the neighborhood.
Hi, guess what...I own a piece of Vic's skin. He ripped it off his finger, because he's sick in the head and enjoys biting his nails and when he has no more nails he rips off the fine skin around them. Yesterday he bled. Oh, yeah..I said that yesterday. But I didn't mention something else...he said: you're the only person I can share my blood with. I've been thinking about our connection...it's cool. I love him. I'm in love with him...but it's not the kind of "I'm in love" I've felt for the guy, or Denv, is not sickening love (I've always felt that when I'm love, I get sick...that sickness, that craziness...), not the love that makes you go "damn, I want him to be my boyfriend" or "I want him to fuck me". It's something much more spiritual. I want him to marry his girlfriend. I want him to remain as my special friend.
8 houses away from my house, on the opposite side of the street, there's another house.
I kid you not.
And yesterday it was on fire. It didn't burn down, it wasn't a tragedy (thank God). The fire started but firemen controlled it quickly. Neighbors only got to see smoke. I didn't get to see anything because I was at school.
Just thought I'd share.
Shit, I'd forgotten Carmen and Norman are coming over to study. After they come back from the orphanage (social service, that is).