Wednesday, 10/29/08 - 9:14 pm.
October is coming to an end. Dammit. I like october. And november. And december. The wind has been blowing [and injuring/killing people] and it's cold. I like it. I'd like it more if I didn't I knew there weren't homeless or poorly sheltered people and animals. I carry a sweater I don't wear, in my car, in case I find someone to give it to.
It has come to my attention that I've been procrastinating. I haven't applied for my visa, licensed myself as a psychologist nor prepared a trip to go see Brother #3 in the country nearby. I do stuff, during the day, yes. I'm an instructor, a therapist, there's a two-month project coming my way. Cartoons, of course. And I have to keep writing. Inmediate stuff, it's what I do.
Yesterday and the day before I was obssessed with adopting a dog, like Blackie did. But after much thought and wise words from my Brother #3 (and, previously, from my friend Angel), I've decided once and for all that I can't. I plan on leaving and even if I didn't, my mom would end up doing most of the work. Not that I don't look after my pets, but sometimes I take too long to pick up their stuff, or I can't control them inmediately (one of my cats wet my bed today...strange. Which one and why, I do not know). Imagine this dog took a liking for my mom's plants, for example.
So it makes me sad, but if anything, I will make a donation to the shelter. There's more than one way to help, right? Today I walked by a pet store and it broke my heart...puppies wagging their tails like begging to have a home, baby chihuahuas comforting each other. Sometimes people don't even take care of them. They're not toys, for the love of God.
Change of subject. This break with Joseph is strange. A couple of days ago I was sort of weeping. He talked to me online some nights ago and the conversation we had led me to believe we'd be back on track soon. But two nights ago, he asked me if I trusted him, and said he couldn't see me because he had a sin to pay for, regarding a person following his footsteps, and he either vindicated himself or went to hell...what the fuck. He had to be alone so he was keeping his distance. I said I'd wait for him. He said it'd be for a long time. Huh. Then I said I didn't want him to be alone but if he needed that, I respected and supported his decision.
I've been trying to be civil, but I wondered something. I thought we were on a break because of stuff I did (yes, I accept it), not because he had some moral debt to pay. And I told him so; I begun with saying that I know I've done a lot of wrong lately. I can't remember the exact words I used for all this, but he said that he advised me not to think about that anymore. Then he said he had to go and I think he blocked me because I haven't seen him lately.
Is this painful? Yes. I am contemplating the possibility of not getting back together, but it's his call. I am starting to resent some things, but I'd only say them to him if we were face to face. I'll go on with my life, which is the only thing I can do, really. I'll wait. I'll make no assumptions on what he's doing. I love Joseph and I wish we could marry...in fact, I think the relationship itself was demanding us to take that next step. Alas, neither of us was in condition to take that step, financially speaking. So, yeah, things aren't going that way, at least not right now. I'll wait. He'll talk to me eventually, to tell me either that he's ready to go on or that he gave up on me.