Saturday, 11/01/08 - 9:49 pm.
I miss him. I try to stay at "I love him and I'll wait", but sometimes I fantasize: I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking of me, if he's mad, if he misses me, if he's sleeping with other people...I didn't say they were good fantasies.
It's been two weeks. I graduated two weeks ago, and we went on a "break" after the grad ceremony. Although at this point I consider it more like a break-up, I and don't know if I should keep counting the days with him as my boyfriend.
I try to stick to a few of the last words he told me two weeks ago: that considering our kind of relationship, the break would only make our bond stronger. In that sense, I wait patiently. But afterwards I feel all this time going by is a waste of time, that we could be investing on being together. Then I say, hey, this is helping me realize some stuff and probably I wouldn't value him as much if we hadn't gone on the way were two weeks ago.
But I go even further: I start with my wishful thinking, hoping that by the time he asks me to get back together, he'll have a job. I hope and hope that he's finding his way in life while I'm not looking. But if the past is any indication of his current state, he's still stuck. The clock is ticking and I fear that I'll end up leaving to study abroad next year, thus leaving him.
That's my positive side (good thing, huh?!). My negative side tells me he wanted a way out, as much as he loved me, and he's just trying to fade away, in the sense that...I don't know; trying to kill everything slowly, since he'd always said we were too different to survive each other, and then there was the possibility of having to break up if I leave (I refuse to settle down for that). He's blocked me, I believe. Either that or he doesn't have a computer anymore...which I doubt.
The most rational thing to do is what I do most of the time: not assume anything. I accept the pain, I feel slightly miserable, but I know it's not really the end of the world. It's just painful and frustrating. All these things I think are just my ways of giving a meaning to all this.
Oh, hey. He just came online. He says his computer wasn't working. Right. I don't know. I don't believe him. This friend in common we have, talked to me and was having a joint conversation with him. He was showing as Not Online and they seemed to have been talking for a while. Argh, screw this shit.
PS: I went with my sister and nephew to see High School Musical 3. It's a good thing I am not a teenager. Zac Efron, or rather the character he plays is fucking dreamy. I don't have a crush on him per se, but shit, one has to admit that character is the perfect boy.
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