Wednesday, 11/26/08 - 11:44 pm.
Lately, I've started to feel the weight of my feelings. I've handled this time of my life pretty well, thinking rationally and all. By "this time", I mean this time of losses. It's Joseph, of course, and the fact that these are my last days at the university. I don't really see myself going there next year to visit, even though I might. But it'll be so different.
I get emotional at night, over Joseph. Sometimes I think he's just using this break to fade away from my life, but I throw away the idea. No reason, I just don't want to assume stuff. I'm done waiting. I know I said I'd wait, but right now I'm not really waiting anything. Just dealing. He's not here, in my life. I have probably started to process that just now.
I guess this time has served a purpose, though. I've been able to build nice relationships with a couple of instructors and that's incredibly nice. I was looking back on the first years in the university, when I dreaded having to have lunch because I'd eat alone. But these past month I went out for lunch with three or four instructors (they're four, but not always with all of them). I did it today, as well. It's awesome, having friends. They're friends, not classmates or anything. They're younger than me, a couple of years. But it's all good.
I didn't say anything to them, but I realized that this was the last time I'd have lunch with them, like it's been a routine so far. Also, tomorrow W. will announce in class that he's quit due to problems with the head of the psychology departament. I don't know how people will react. I suppose many will celebrate because he's a tough professor and many fear him. And I know there are students who see beyond that and will be really sorry to miss the chance to learn (the way the departament it's going with its choice in professors, students are wasting their money). I know my four instructors friends will mourn. Today they told me they were looking forward to take his class next year. I was biting my tongue because I wanted to tell them the news.
So, yeah, I am getting emotional. My last days there. I see around trying to save everything in my memory. I'll miss the cubicle, some professors who are partly responsible of who I am now, the people I befriended, and all the jokes one could only get if belonged to that particular departament of psychology. It's hard to believe it. I'll miss all that.
When God closes a door, I've heard, he opens a window. That's usually the case with me, for which I'm very grateful. Today I got an e-mail from a former classmate, informing that there is a position at some gym for babies. The location of the facility and the fact that they requiere bilingual people tells me it's a tad fancy. But really, I like kids and I find the job sort of appealing...I've never had a real job, outside the university, so I'm also a little reluctant; but I have to start somewhere. This seems like a good place. And with this odd biological clock of mine going off at such an inconvenient time in my life, being around children may calm me down.
Also, today I got an e-mail from F., the woman I wrote my thesis with. She's catching up, and I'd thought of doing so. I see in her and her husband (the other F.) yet another relationship I can work on to keep for a long time. It's just that I've realized that all of my contacts from school maintain close relationships with other people from school. And I feel so alone, because I don't. I got along with mostly everyone, but from 9th grade until the end, I was mostly alone. I always felt lonely and everyone had their own group. Angel and Mikey are the exceptions, because I consider them my close friends after all this time, but I rarely talk to them nowadays, since they live far away and have real jobs and are engaged (ok, I might say "since they, unlike me, have a real, grown-up life", but you get the point). And once Joseph dissapeared, I noticed I had no one. Then I noticed I do have a few, very valuable people. From college, not high school, but...they'll do. So I gotta work on those relationships.
I digress. F once offered me some space in a house she and her husband were setting up to get their attorney/psychology bussiness going. W, on the other hand, is losing his office at the university, and so I'm losing the office in which I see my two patients. You see the connection now. So while I had the intention to get together to her for the pleasure of seeing her, this week gave me a new reason to contact her. And how fortunate that I hear from her today.
Speaking of W., he told me today that he has plans for a few of his colleagues (including me) and colleagues-to-be (students) for the future. He told me his idea and it sounds good. Really, really good. If he and Mr. Miscellaneous (an old professor of mine, I mentioned here like, four or five years ago (!)) pull it together, and I know they will, I can come back after my grad studies and know I'll have a safety net that'll guarantee me I'll get to do what I love. Count me in.
BUT...the inmediate future is uncertain, and the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm going to break down and cry any moment now.
prev / next