Wednesday, 12/31/08 - 4:28 pm.
I was complaining; I don't know if I was half-asleep or entirely dreaming. I was making a list of things why today and the days to come were going to suck, though I don't remember them right now. I came back to consciousness and I asked myself what was up with being so bitter.
Indeed, I've had a rotten mood all day. It's the last day of the year, big deal. I'd planned to spend it with Joseph, but that was some time ago. It doesn't mean anything to me now. I wish, I hope, I pray that he comes over but that's simply out of the question. And it makes me mad. I'm so mad.
To continue my tradition, I won't look back on my 2008. I just remember losing Frog, losing Joseph, graduating from the university, making my Simeon wish come true (thanks to my friend Angel) and the awesome, awesome change of life of my first (real) patient. Not to disregard anything else, that's just off the top of my head, and I have a bad memory.
All in all, it was a wonderful year, no doubt about it. It's just the ending that sucks so much.
Looking back in terms of my relationship with Joseph, I do question whether it was a real relationship. We made a great team, we went out and everything, but I rarely was able to go out at night as he wanted, and he rarely was willing to enter my family as I wanted. It makes me so mad. I always said I'd try to do what he wanted if he did what I wanted. I needed for him to be known in my family and he never gave in. We never went to the beach or took pictures of ourselves (I must have no more than four), or I gave him a pet name...I don't know, silly stuff that I realized we lacked by looking at other people's Facebook profiles. Lame, yes. In our last months, I felt like the only people who knew we were dating were him and I. And his family. His friends never saw me, my friends and family never saw him.
I feel regretful. I'm angry. I'm so angry and impotent and uncomfortable and hurting. These are the worst holidays I've ever had. I'll finish the year studying math for the GRE. It's pretty much the only thing I've done today.
I wanted to start off the year with the 3700th entry (according to my numbers, this is the 3698th). Also, I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with Joseph. But you can't always get what you want, can you?
Happy birthday, Tom Hamilton! And Happy New Year celebration, dear reader; don't forget to add the extra second to 2008.
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