Wednesday, 01/14/09 - 9:22 pm.
Tonight I met someone from the internet. It's ok, it was very innocent. We've commented on each other's websites for over three years. He was incredibly charming, a delightful person to have a smart conversation with. I went with my friend Victor, they both had met before. It helped me to boost my self-esteem (he had nothing but kind words for me) and forget more unfortunate events.
Today I've had a rather depressive day, for no reason. I mean, the reason is Joseph but for nothing new. Lately I hate waking up. Sometimes I wake up calm, sometimes I wake up aching. But always with a void.
Yesterday I was supposed to have my patient at our new clinic. The place was empty and I was there almost two hours earlier, so I had plenty of time to cry. Plus, my patient didn't show up, so I took the time to think and cry some more.
Today it's been non-stop, unlike previous days when I felt bad, cried, forgot, lived and then remembered and started feeling bad again. I'm always either on the verge of crying, crying or with a feeling of refreshing catharsis (after crying) that unfortunately doesn't last long. I had coffee at the meeting with the nice man, and it's come to my attention that I get anxious and I have a need in my throat to throw up. Add to that my current emotional state and I'm a wreck. I have a knot in my stomach, I can't stop shaking my leg. I'm hungry but I want to throw up.
My friend Victor was kind enough to listen to me, twice today (plus for the meeting, he picked me up, met with the nice man, tagged along to a mall so he could make some payment and then he brought me back home). I don't remember what I was saying, probably just a variation of what I've been saying here and to everybody I had the chance to talk to. And he said I should talk to him. For closure.
I was reluctant. He'll reject me, or he'll treat me bad. What am I going to tell him, anyway? I have ideas but I fear all he'll say is "yeah, whatever, it's over now". And yet...the idea sounded appealing. I'm the kind of person who thinks things over and I need to close the chapter. Seeing him and telling him things and -why not?- even thanking him. This doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless to do this. But I should do it, for me.
Of course, I don't even know if he's here, in the country. He's not online right now which...is a good thing. I need to build some courage. If he says "no, I don't want to hear it", well...I'll move on, albeit at a slower pace and with a greater pain. And you know, he could say "yes, let's meet up", and everything still could go wrong. But it could help me to say "I did everyhing I could".
And...well, nothing new to add. I'm stuck in the same place (how many days has "shattered" been my state on imood.com?). I miss him. God, I miss him so much. I feel so empty and I have this unbearable urge to go find him. I wonder if he'll come for my birthday. I hope not. I already decided he won't hear from me on his birthday (and he probably won't care).
I suppose eventually I'll start thinking less with my emotions and more rationally. I mean, would I really like to get back with a guy that cheated on me? Isn't it nice to be free and have a chance to find someone with whom I'll have more things in common? I know there are many arguments against my love for him. But I'm in love with the jerk. I suppose I'll tell him that, if I have the chance, so I'll just get it out of the way and move on.
Move on...it sounds impossible. I'm not even at a stage where I want to move on. I know it's sad and pathetic but I'm not capable of letting go.
prev / next