Saturday, 01/17/09 - 6:20 pm.
Last night, it took me less than two hours to fall asleep. I slept five, which is more than I have slept lately. But still I was woken up by my thoughts, at 5:30 am.
I cry constantly, but it's different from the tears of these four months, particularly from mid-december 'til last week. Until then, I didn't know what was going on and it was the confusion that was killing me. After my heartfelt talk with him yesterday, I just cry over his absence. God, I miss him so much. So, so much.
This afternoon I broke down just because I saw that on Favorites there's a link named Jan08, a link to my entries of that time. I saw the date and I thought "I was with Joseph then" and ran off to cry for about 20 minutes. I don't think I'll be able to save last year's entries for a while.
I've noticed that everytime I didn't know what was going on with Joseph, I'd trash-talk about him. And if he saw the entries of these past four months, he'd slap me in the back of my head for suffering in vain...or at least, over what turned out to be a huge misunderstanding due to my epic fail in relationship ettiquete.
I tell myself I'll marry him, in seven years at the most. I make plans like he's still in love with me. Yesterday he told me that the night before he had treated his girlfriend badly, because of me. Part of me is hopeful. So, so hopeful. I want to fight for him, do whatever it takes.
Which is probably why I woke up nervous today. I couldn't stop moving, thinking I had to get a job, move out of this house, and in the meantime, just keep myself busy. I promised myself to do all the things Joseph would like me to do...I say, well, the best thing that could come out of that is that he'll get back with me. The worst, nothing. Even if he didn't, I'd have gotten myself a new lifestyle, more age-appropriate.
Sometimes I pray his girlfriend will leave him soon. They've been together for two or three months. I didn't think it was too serious, by the way he spoke about her. He feels responsible for her, is that the same as being in love? But I do fear they might end up falling in love. I was telling him yesterday, just look at the fucking timing: he breaks up with me and, on an unrelated note, she comes into the picture, after seven years of being apart. And they didn't expect to have a relationship. That's the worst kind, right? I mean, the worst for me. The best kind for the lovebirds, "it just happened", after all these years of knowing each other.
But you see, she wasn't the reason we broke up, so she leaving him wouldn't be a reason for us to get back together. I know he appreciates me, after all we've shared, but I don't think he's in love with me anymore. And yet, I refuse to even tell myself to give up. I don't want to give up.
I have an urge to see him, and maybe I'll stop by his house this week to give him some of my birthday cake (we already bought it, and since no one will be coming tomorrow, for it's election day, we already cut a piece for my brother #3 to take home; I'll have a dull birthday). I keep looking forward to seeing him for his birthday, too, the last day of february. I entered a writing contest and if I win (which I should doubt, but I did like my story), that laptop goes to him, because the story is a reference to him. He gets the laptop, I get the cash. And regardless of that, I'd invite him for coffee or something, or go to his house and give him a muffin with a candle in the middle.
Right, genius. What if he moves out to Guatemala with his girlfriend? Aside from dying inside, I'd try to see him in june because I'll be attending my first psychology congress, which is held there every two years. And then...I don't know. I'd be destroyed. Shattered. Devastated.
If you like me (and otherwise you wouldn't be reading this), pray that he won't move out. I know, I know, I'm a horrible person for wishing that he doesn't get something he wants. So I'm selfish and I'm going to hell. I want him. He's the love of my life. I screwed up and our life plans are keeping us apart but I can't imagine my life without him. Well, I can, and the image of that sucks. And that's why you should pray he doesn't move out.
Sure, technically he'll be in my life, because we'll be friends and all. I know what they say, just because that person isn't in love with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But that's not how I want him. I want him to be my life partner. How do I do that? Should I do some subtle flirting, sweet-talk? Or should I just step back and leave him alone, give him the chance to be happy with someone else? He used to ask me if I believed in fate. I'd say, when it's convenient. Is it convenient now? Rational thinking would say no. I'm suffering because I'm hanging onto fantasies. Gosh, I hate being a psychologist sometimes.
I've asked two guys about their past girlfriends. I met these guys when they were with what they called and seemed to be the love of their lives. I asked them if, at this point in their lives, after three or four years, with everyone having built their own separate life, they still had a bit of hope of one day getting back together. In one case, the girl is already married to someone else. Both said they're hopeful from time to time, but they step back because it's the right thing to do. I can't do that. I just can't.
I've kept myself busy. I was out all morning running errands with my parents and in the afternoon I went with them and brother #3 for coffee. He's studying in Guatemala (he came to vote tomorrow) and says it's even more dangerous than it is here. That makes me even more scared that Joseph goes away.
You know what one of my problems was? I thought of the future with him. Not so much of the present. It was always "when he/I/we...then he/I/we will...". I've learned, Joseph, I have learned. I know what it takes now, and we can intertwine our lives, we can negotiate. Won't you get back with me?
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