Don't cry, have a stomachache instead.
Thursday, 01/22/09 - 6:24 pm.

No day has been the same as the one before this week. This makes me happy, even though I still cannot shake the agony. But let's review the happy first, yes?

Today I rode the bus! People do it everyday but it's a huge accomplishment for me; my dad never let me and I've spent my life riding in cars. He still doesn't know I went by bus; I told my mom and she just said that walking is great and she'd do it more often if it wasn't for my dad. Aw. I asked my friend S to help me out and he came; we walked a few blocks to the bus stop, rode on the bus, walked some more to the office we're I'm getting my license and seal as a psychologist (score!), and then walked back home. So, so neat.

This afternoon I got a call, and I have an interview tomorrow, for the job I'm waiting for. Oh, yay. I guess I'll have to call off the group interview for the gym for babies, even though I'm not quite sure I'll get the job I want. Wish me luck.

Ok, the party's over.

I dreamed that Joseph and his girlfriend brought me a plant to my house (?!), but I only saw their hands through a slit in my door, they were holding them. Even though I always dream of them, I'm capable of sleeping nicely and going to bed early, although I wake up early to terrible cramps of distress in my stomach, that I know are the substitute of my tears. My appetite is kinda improving, however. At least now I get hungry.

He just talked to me online, to send me a rather funny video, and then he said I was selfish for not sharing with him the details of me getting drunk on my birthday. As you may not recall, I only had coffee and ice cream. Great, I'm still not living to his expectations, and I probably won't. I do feel like getting drunk someday but ONLY when I'm in a safe environment: I used to think I'd do it one night at his house, and I'd spend the night there. Anyway, I appreciated that he talked to me, even though I did not enjoy seeing him and his girlfriend.

This is the day when I thought I wanted to marry him; april 16th, 2004. Two weeks later I'd meet him. I can't get over him. I'm certain he's not in love with me anymore and doesn't plan on coming back; I suppose this song sums it up: he's thought about it, no way he'll stay, he'll get on a bus and go away. I think all this and say no, no, no, no. Please, come back, Joseph. Please, love me again. Please, love me again.

She says that you never know where saying "yes" will lead you. It's certainly taken me places this week and I want it to become a lifestyle. I hate it that it's thanks to Joseph, though, because...because he's not here to share it with me. His current nickname comes from this song: "when all this actual life played out, where the hell on earth was I / one gigantic fairy tale of friends I haven't seen in years drinking 'til the daylight hurts". He sent me this song the night he finally cleared to me that we had broken up and he was in love with someone else. And I can't help thinking, this line is about the time he lost with me and about finding that old flame and getting back to having fun.

It's hard to describe my state at the moment. I guess...I guess I'm living life like never before but someone's missing. Joseph is missing. I wish I could tell him everything I'm doing but it'll sound like I'm trying to impress him...which would be the case, really. I just can't impress him anymore. I'm powerless. And yet I can't conceive it, I don't believe we're through for good.

To keep me distracted, I think I'd like to find a guy that looks just like him (*swoon*) and is equally witty and excentric. Also, I write long bipolar entries with lots of links.

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