Sunday, 01/25/09 - 8:33 pm.
Brother #3's mother-in-law moved out to a house by a lake a few months ago. And we went this weekend to visit her. I wasn't very keen on the idea. Of all the in-laws in my family, I like her the most, but I just wasn't in the mood. Still, it's not like I had something better to do. My motto now is "this beats being at home feeling sorry for myself". Anything does.
My parents, my sister, her son and mother-in-law's son were coming along. MIL's son is 19, but mentally he's about 10. Really, really nice kid; he's sort of like Arnie, from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But when we stopped for a cup of coffee and I was stuck with him while the grown-ups went to buy food I got a little desperate. But I repeated my motto. And it was true.
However, the road trip paid off when I walked into the house and as soon as I entered the living room, I saw the lake. I didn't think we were that close, with our own pier and shit. I ran down the hill, while my nephew stumbled and rolled over all his way down, and touched the water. It was a "OMGYAY" moment.
The lady is incredibly charming, I love her. She was married to a military man, who passed away years ago, and has so many stories to tell. I took pictures, prepared readings for my patient, finished Watchmen. And thought. A lot.
Yesterday before I left, my friend Angel sent me an e-mail asking me to stop beating myself about Joseph. It was a long message, and I took it with me to the lake. From the conversations I heard at the lake house, I decided to let it go. To have faith everything would be ok. That things happen for a reason. That sometimes you don't get what you want but what you need.
So last night I also realized I have left God out of this. I don't go to church, but I'm a firm believer. He's never left me alone, and maybe I'm overlooking what He's giving me. I've been praying for Joseph to come back since we broke up in october, but this time I was just praying that I had the strenght to accept whatever is coming my way. I made an effort, a sincere effort, to stop thinking about this. And began thinking of Joe and that maybe I should date him.
But that was just a fantasy to get me through the night. I don't want to date anyone. Every man I see seems ordinary, whereas Joseph was extraordinary. A jackass indeed, when it was time to end the relatioship, he still had a rare mixture of badness and kindness, of impulsiveness and careful planning that makes me smile with nostalgia when I look back on our times together. Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary. It was perhaps the word of the weekend. I kinda shut myself up when I was reading Watchmen and Joseph's favorite character (speaking of careful planning) says that no person is ordinary. I was just "...ok...".
So I came to the conclusion that I beat myself down just to decorate the fact that I miss him. And I told myself that I should strip down all ornaments and plainly admit it: I'm in love with him and I miss him. Say no more. That's all. Admit it, embrace it, don't think it'll change anything but if you do love him, then love him. Be aware that he will never get back to you, all evidence points that out, but still, have faith. Inside the lake house, there were three plates hanging from a wall: "love much, live well, laugh often". Ah, the joys of being optimistic. That's what the hostess said too, after one of her stories: have faith.
However, the day after, today, brought me down. Indeed, I had stopped beating myself down, but I started thinking of what HE had done. I was minding my own bussiness by the lakeshore when I just remembered that Joseph and his girlfriend became an item at his brother's wedding, at the beach. From then on, my day went downhill and by 11 am I wanted to get back home to cry.
It's not like I had something better to do, other than, you know, cry. But also, I didn't have anything else to occupy my train of thought on. I sat on the grass staring at the lake, listening to the White Stripes and putting images to their music to distract myself. For a while, I thought about many things that I'd like to tell Joseph one day; I will not repeat them, enough is enough, but in three words, he was thoughtless.
The thing that was crushing the most today, though, was knowing that today he was hopping on a bus to Guatemala, for a week, to start his paperwork to move there. And the thought of him traveling with his girlfriend was just sickening. He'd told me he'd be out from january 25th to february 3rd. I was thinking it didn't matter, because I was far away too, and each of us are building our lives apart. Remember when I said "...so you can be happy, and me too. Even if it's you and me apart"? Bullshit. I want us to be happy together.
We left the lakehouse. I have the invitation to come back. On my way back home, I saw two buses that were traveling to Guatemala, a guatemalan license plate and Joseph's girlfriend's name three times, two as locations, one as a brand of wine. I had prayed to God to give me signs about the future (and the wisdom to see them, because He might give them to me and I might be too dumb to notice them). "Alright, now You're just messing with me".
I came home and I was happy to find him online. He didn't leave, after all? I sent him a message telling him I'd finished Watchmen. All I got was a "what? Big deal". I said, "ok, sorry. Goodbye". And he said bye. I was shocked but thought this was the sign to move on. Instead of crying, I texted CR and told him what had happened (and told him that I loved the comic). He told me to give him some time.
He had gone offline when I came back from texting. I thought: "he was supposed to go to Guatemala today, and maybe his girlfriend didn't and she was the one online. Last time we spoke, he told me we'd talk about the comic when I finished it, and the logical thing would have been for him to ask me what I thought of it...he's not THAT much of a jerk, as far as I know". So I'm not feeling bad. Not yet, at least. Except I fear she'll erase me from his contact list and/or will tell him I was flirting or talking shit about her or something. Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit. Or maybe it was him. Whatever.
Whatever, I say. I'm praying I'll get the job so I'll be busy from 8 to 5 and I'll see friends at night and maybe I'll get the scholarship and I will leave on august 2010 and I'll sneak in for a PhD and stay abroad until 2014. Today I got to the point of thinking that maybe wanting to study abroad is a mistake, because Joseph always saw that as a factor that could break us up, for it was my dream and not his, and thus, I had to pursue it myself. Of course, I was quick to tell myself: "no! No, no, don't say that. You're living your life. You have your plans. He was being honest when he said it was your dream and not his, and you, he, everybody knows he had no obligation whatsoever of following you just because you wanted him to".
I know the rational arguments to make myself feel better. I know them, I know all about cognitive-behaviorism. That's what I was reading last night, for my patient (who, incidentally, is also dealing with the loss of her boyfriend of four years, so it's a tough case for me), and I've known all along that the way you think defines the way you feel and behave, and that we tend to have automatic thoughts that are not entirely based on reality and hurt us more than we should hurt.
And yet, I have faith. In nothing in particular. I just have faith.
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