Saturday, 02/07/09 - 7:28 pm.
I went to Fer's funeral. I drove alone to the cemetery, because CR seemed too busy with his own stuff and was going to get there by his own means. I think reality was just sinking in for him, that his best friend was dead.
I got there when there was only five or six people. I looked at the tombstones while I waited, and I vaguely remembered my trips to the cemetery as a child. I like these places, regardless of what they're used for. They're peaceful and green and full of respect and flowers and beautiful statues.
People started to arrive. It was neat that Al came to talk to me; we even talked about cutting ourselves when we were younger. But we're just acquaintances, there's no other type of chemistry whatsoever. Then CR appeared. And I kept waiting for Joseph to show up, fearing he would not. I greeted other people, but generally I was on my own.
It was perhaps an hour later after I'd been there that the coffin arrived. It's unreal, to think in it there's someone you once knew somehow. Fer liked me for a while, after we'd met. Angie and Joseph told me several times. He was very handsome, although I was never attracted to him that way. I own a Jack Skellington button he randomly bought for me, and these past months I wanted to say hi to him online, but I was scared he'd ask me about Joseph. His last nickname talks about today, february 7th...some event he was going to attend. The irony.
Anyway, you know the drill: words were said, tears were cried, coffins were buried. I cried, yes. But not over Fer. I felt like this funeral was for my relationship with Joseph. I was dressed the way I feel about breaking up with him, and someone was throwing soil over something that once was. I mean, everything just fit perfectly. I even remembered that when Joseph would say that he and I had nothing in common, I'd reply "we hate Fer" (we didn't hate him, he'd just get on our nerves on some issues and we were laughing about it). Well, now he is dead. Clearly, we have nothing in common.
This reality was an accurate and cruel metaphor for my current state of mind. And I was alone. And Joseph wasn't there. I thought I'd seen his girlfriend's face a few times, but it was always somebody else. I kept looking around, but I said to myself that if he was there, I'd have already seen him. He didn't go.
People started to leave. I sat, after standing up for almost two hours. I watched two men finish burying the coffin. I didn't greet his mom and I only smiled at his sister. When I looked around, very few people were left, and it was no one I knew. CR had left. And I felt lonely. LONELY. Like I hadn't felt in years. And I didn't want to come home.
I drove home, anyway. I had no place to go and no one to go out with. Most of all, I miss Joseph and seeing the way I am now, I know we could have fun and be happier. But he's gone, out my life. All those people at Fer's funeral, whose faces I knew...say, they wouldn't go to my funeral. I'm a little unhappy with my social network, I realize, but I don't know how to change it. I'd trusted CR to help me out on that, but...I mean, I love hanging out with him, but like I said a little while ago, I don't want him to be a crutch, and he is becoming just that.
I thought of even asking Joe to go to the movies or something, in case I found him online tonight. Desperate much, you ask? Yeah. I don't I'd have done it had he been online. He is not. Of course not, who stays home saturday night? Only yours truly. I'm not a people person. I've been trying to change that, but as it shows my interaction with people today, I'm not very good at it.
Angie is flying in tonight, but almost at 10 pm. I wish she'd come earlier. I hope I can see her. I could use a friend right now and she's one of my top picks. I also want to go to the movies. I'd go by myself at this moment, but at night I don't feel safe going alone.
My life is empty again. Sure, I have a job and the possibility of earning a scholarship and go abroad next year. But I have nothing to look forward to. I haven't felt like this in years, in more than four years and a half. I'm choking.
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