Tuesday, 02/17/09 - 7:17 pm.
When Angie was here, I had no trouble laughing at this whole Joseph thing. But yesterday and today, I have not laughed. It's a surprise, actually, that I'm feeling this bad. I thought I was over it. And I'm not even thinking that much. It just hurts. I think "Joseph", and the value associated to his name is too much.
Winners for the literary contest I entered were announced yesterday. I did not win. I was relieved, but it kind of hurt my ego when I read that only two prizes were awarded (one poetry and one prose, when they choose two or three of each) because the judges thought the quality of the rest left a lot to be desired. Mhm. I like my story. Also, I thought, geez, it's a good thing these people are trying to estimulate young writers, by telling them they suck. Anyway, a relief nonetheless. I just wanted the money and I wasn't sure of giving Joseph the laptop, if I won, for fear of coming off as too pretentious.
I asked CR if it wouldn't look too hypocritical if I bought a gift for Joseph and his wife; I genuinely want to, I guess I'm not that much of a sore loser. He said, not at all. So I'll go to some neat store I'm eyeing and see what I can get them. Today at work I almost started crying, when I read a quote from the agenda my sister got me for christmas. It was a "when Harry met Sally" quote: I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Tears piled up, I understood. That's why Joseph married. And not me (well, not me because I refused to put "the horse behind the carriage", as Mr. PhD used to say back in my day). He married someone else. I guess I'll cut out the quote and put it as a card on his/their gift. I don't want to look at it.
I'm dying to get my tattoo, and the only thing that's keeping me is my parents and the unimaginable freak-out they'd have. I don't know how they'd react. I want a phoenix bird on my back, like in the middle of my lungs. CR says I should have it on the right side, because the right side of the body is "solar" (fire, phoenix) and the left side is "lunar". And then I can get another tat on the left to create a balance. Yeah, he's like that. I don't know, I want it in the middle. I have chosen a design, but I still need a few opinions.
Angie and I have been emailing each other all day. Her boyfriend broke up with her today (he paid for her trip here, which I thought was nice; but he's like 15 years her senior). She's feeling like me: regretful, angry, hurt, guilty...except she's still prone to hurt herself badly, whereas I'm, strangely, past that. And she's very lonely. Her workplace sucks, her family sucks (no one picked her up at the airport because they were celebrating her sister's birthday). She's completely alone. I'm thinking of going to visit her in august, I'll do my best. The plane ticket is very, very expensive, though, and I still have to plan for the Guatemala congress in june/july. I'll get paid a little more starting in april, but still.
My patient cancelled our session today, so here I am. I will start looking into the scholarship application. I'm having a hard time working on it, I have no motivation. I should!!! Because I want it so bad. So I must change my attitude inmediately.
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