Getting unattached.
Saturday, 04/18/09 - 5:40 pm.

I hadn't gone out with CR in a couple of weeks, so it was great seeing him last night. Meeting up with him came after I had a very productive session with my patient; I'd been failing these months, but seriously, reflecting is everything. I need to be a bit more firm on this.

Anyway, I met up with him and Al (YAY!) at a supermarket, some blocks down the clinic. Al was buying liquor as a birthday gift for his mom, haha. It was great seeing him. At the register he rubbed my arm, up and down, up and down, and asked me how was everything going. In my head I was like, "hey, hey, he's rubbing my arm!".

We decided to go somewhere cheap, because his debit card was rejected by the bank and I said tonight was on me. We ended up at the cafe near my university. It's a great place, really; it's relatively cheap, they play great music at night and it's dark. We chose a table for three by a window and we talked. Well, CR did. Al and I threw in our two cents here and there. Sometimes I'd look at Al and he seemed to be staring out into space as CR chatted away.

Al is neck-deep in work, not just his regular job, but also art gigs, related to animation and painting murals. It's cool but he seems drained. Next saturday we'll go to a concert (the three of us), it's going to be nice, I hope. I'd never seen this band and everybody talks wonders about it. Especially my friend Cel, who dated one of the members, back in the day.

So we called it a day early and after I paid, he started to rub my arm again saying thank you and that next time it was on him and I think -I think- he pulled me towards him to hug me. I mean, he hugged me, really, like he was saying goodbye, except he wasn't, because he still had to show me his new car (he's neck-deep in debt, also, but the old one died). Maybe it was a thank-you hug.

Saw the car, talked shit while he was standing particularly close to me, and said goodbye, until next week. He kissed my ear, which I consider an err in his aim, but he also sorta grabbed my arm. Score for me, huh? Then I drove CR home, as usual.

I came home thinking that Al is what you'd call "a catch". Joseph was not a catch. I wouldn't call Art a catch. That doesn't really mean anything, because I don't go around labeling guys as "catch", let alone trying to hook up with one, but Al does strike as someone I'd apply such concept to.

Oh, yeah. Art. Aside from a conflict he was having last night, we didn't talk much, as it's been happening lately. He did tell me he might come on the august vacation week, which brings down my plan of going to visit him. Pros: I save money, I still get to see him. Cons: he'll be busy with other people, no privacy for the two of us, this was my only spare week to go visit him. If I go to Houston in december, he said, he might fly in there. I thought that was sweet, but then I also thought, december is even farther away than august, to be making plans like this one.

I've been cautious, you see. I kinda expected that seeing Al would remind me that I like him, and I expected some kind of Murphy's Law to act upon me, so that now that I'm not available (emotionally) Al would seem to like me back. But even if you remove this guy from the picture, you may recall I've been having doubts about my feelings for Art.

(a usual complaint that makes you fear that your relationship is dying would be, "he won't have passionate sex with me anymore"; in my case is, he won't allow our webcams to be on anymore).

And even more so this afternoon, when I went out with a friend from school. We were talking about people we keep in touch with, and she said: and I'd been talking [online] to Art until it got too weird. We dated for like a month in seventh grade. He was telling me that he wanted to give it another shot with me, that I could go [to CA] and try again. Then he was always asking where I was going and who I was going with. This was in february.

He isn't like that with me, so I wondered what the hell. But if anything, it just reminded that as much as he's my friend, and has been for about 8 years, I still don't know him that well, and distance is a huge obstacle in developing a strong relationship. It's easy to fall in love with an image you create of someone, but then you have to know the person's dark side to decide whether you're able to remain in love.

And I'm not saying this to get unattached and run to Al. I'm aware he leads too much of a busy life to even think of having a relationship with someone he barely sees and knows, and lives too far away (30 to 45 minutes by car) to think about going to visit after a rough day at work. And I like him, yes, but I can't say I love him. I may even be left breathless by how well groomed he is most of the times, but I don't *love* him.

So, here's the situation: two guys that I like, but not too much; two guys that like me back, but not too much. And even if the liking is enough, our living situations would prevent us from having a relationship. One lives in another country, the other lives in another lifestyle. I suppose I could be able to live my whole life having them as merely platonic love. I pull it off nicely with Joseph.

So I'm getting unattached because it seems the healthier thing to do.

prev / next