Monday, 04/27/09 - 10:13 pm.
It was dreadful. Last night Joseph's wife said hi to me again, and so did Joseph; both at the same time. I thought, this is a plot; you have got to be kidding me. Joseph asked me about my nickname; I said it was a song. He gave me a smiley, a pure, simple happy face. It was a touching gesture, but after that, I closed his conversation window without further comment.
Carmen was more persistent. Irrelevant talk that doesn't deserve to be mentioned. But she doesn't know what a Central Nervous System is? SERIOUSLY? That's when I thought she and Joseph were either mocking me or she was a fucking child. I usually underestimate myself but I'll go for the second choice on this one. Yes, seriously.
Art was nicely keeping an eye on me while I talked to her and he said she must be desperate for making friends. I mean, really: lady, I was your husband's "love of his life" girlfriend just six months ago. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME? Do you want to talk to me? Do you think I want to talk to you? I appreciate that she seems to like me -if she isn't lying- but God, what's up with that? What's up with asking about my weekend and telling me about hers...?...when I didn't even ask?!
I suppose it's partly my fault. I left the door open for them to think I was ok with all this. After all, I was ok with this for a while. After all, I tried my damn best to move on with my life without grudges and that meant being at peace with someone who once was fundamental in my life and changed me for good. But was I digging my own grave here? I'm afraid so.
Still, I think it's fucked up that now they're both trying to talk to me. Cute, in a delusional way, but mostly fucked up. Like, they really seemed to want to talk to me. It seemed so last night. It almost sounded as if Carmen was about to ask me to go out next weekend. I thought it'd be a sweet revenge if I made her fall in love with me and she'd divorce Joseph. Oh, how Art and I laughed at that thought.
In spite of the laughter, I couldn't sleep. That was even more fucked up. I jokingly told Carmen that I only slept four hours every night and even if I closed my eyes, I never lost consciousness. And guess what? That's exactly what happened when I went to bed! 1 am rolled around, 2 am, then it was 3:30 and I started to panic.
Ok, wait, was it karma? THEY hurt ME and I get the karma? Seriously? Because hey, I've been trying to be cool about this. I kept telling myself this is something everyone goes through more than once in their life, but guess what? It came to a point where that's not true. Not everyone's partner breaks up with them while already living with someone else and then marries this someone else at an overwhelming speed. We're not talking rebounds here, it's a serious thing. I can't but admit that Joseph and his wife seem a perfect match. And yeah, I get the bad karma. I joke to make light of a horrible situation and I get punished for that. Thanks a lot, whoever is in charge of this unit of...life, or whatever.
By 4 am, I thought that maybe I needed to cry. I hadn't done that, although I also hadn't felt like it. While I'd been sad, I'd kept things into perspective. But allowing myself to get rid of the rational arguments for a while (that indeed are the most functional and healthy), along with the frustration of not being able to sleep, resulted in a five-minute tearful crisis. I don't remember what I said, but it was certainly directed at both of them. Then the tears stopped...and I didn't feel hurt anymore. I didn't feel hurt before I allowed myself to cry, either. It only hurt when I allowed it to. And it's not denial. I am facing the facts and that actually keeps me from suffering even more than I am right now.
I managed to sleep one hour and a half. I broke my own record. When I was still digesting the fact that Joseph had indeed broken up with me and was living with a better person than me, I still slept two hours. I grabbed my huevos and got up at 6:30 am, not allowing myself to sleep in ten more minutes like I usually do, because then I'd have had trouble getting up. I had a very calm afternoon at work, luckily, and while everything was a copy of a copy of a copy, as the insomniac Fight Club narrator says, I got through the day with relatively little effort.
After work I went to the clinic to see my monday patient, the one who's struggling to get over her four-year relationship with her first love (oh, life gets a kick out of mocking me). I suppose she's doing as good as I am: ok, but not entirely. But that's not the point. The point is I took a nap, that I assume wasn't more than three minutes long, but it was so good. I hope I can sleep like that tonight.
I don't know why I couldn't sleep. It's like I got fixed on my conversation with her. I tried to think of Art and other pretty things but I got back to her. And then him. And then both of them. And sometimes my mind was blank but I still wasn't sleepy.
CR says I should write a book about this. He said the same thing, that not everybody goes through what I have, not to that extent. He actually said I was replaced. And Joseph, he said, Joseph is as tactful as a rhino. I can only say he moved on with his life, and I suppose moving on is leaving people behind. In his case, me. And as for me, I thought of blocking them and erasing them from my contact list. I can't right now. But it's a comforting thought.
On a lighter note...I saw the most beautiful man today. He was like an angel. He was tall and skinny, black t-shirt, blue jeans, headphones on, black and white all-stars. I looked like crap, coming from the office, so I didn't dare to look at his face. I saw him for half a second and he was beautiful and perfect. I thought maybe it was my lack of sleep, that was making me see such things. I went, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God my whole way home.