Great, now he's pulling a Joseph on me.
Thursday, 05/07/09 - 8:11 pm.

Tat talk: I got a few more e-mails from family today about it. Brother #2 was the harshest, in comparison to the rest. Even my dad replied and I thought it was nice. At times it sounds like my brothers won't let my nephews and niece come close to me anymore. I don't approve it, I don't accept it, I'm not glad [...] I wouldn't want my son to have a tattoo and I don't want him to see you with one, said #2. He doesn't mean "don't get one", he just means I have to keep it covered.

You know what makes me happy, though? Even though I feel...say, slightly humilliated, I still want it. I'm glad I can stand by my decision. However, I think I'll postpone it again, due to family celebrations (Mother's Day and Sister In Law #3's birthday) and scholarship interviews ...and I'll get back to my original plan, just the phoenix bird. A wrist tattoo is too risky...and in my future I foresee patients, also. And say, what if the scholarship committee or whatever ask about that kind of thing?

I'll figure it out. But I'm getting one. Oh, yes, I am.

I've been brokenhearted all day. And I'm crying right now, and I'm avoiding Art at all costs. I got a text message from him very early in the morning, as I was getting ready for work. "You'll see something on Facebook. It's a joke". I thought, huh, he must be flirting with someone or saying something that it's not true.

When I get to work, I find an e-mail from my friend Angel, who kindly took the time to hit the prnt-scrn button and sent me pictures of Art's status, relationship status and another girl's status. FYI, this girl graduated with us. She's the sweet, cute tiny, loud girl that flirts with everyone, though I've always liked her.

So, the "joke" is that they're dating. And I didn't find it funny. I tried to, but as Angel pointed out, I even felt disrespected in my feelings. I know Art and I weren't officially anything but he knows I like him. And he made clear that he liked me. And now he writes as his status I have a girlfriend, and she loves me very much, and she writes back, Yes, my pretty boy, especially your smile that has me so in love!. And they're not "in love", I know them both, but it doesn't hurt any less.

I don't want to talk to him. I fear I'm being irrational...no, no, I fear I'll come across as irrational. Like, yeah, it's just a joke. I'm out of arguments, but deep in my heart I know that what he's doing is just wrong. He sent me a text and a message in the afternoon, saying I'd been quiet during the day and where I was. And I fear that then he'll be annoyed by my silence, rather than understand that it means it hurt me. Yes, of course, he doesn't read minds and his sense of empathy might be blurred by the "it's a joke" line.

I thought about talking to him, be clear and stop talking to him for a while until the dust settles and we can be friends without [emotional] benefits again. I'm not gonna lie...part of me wishes he'd apologize and stuff. Which, I suppose, is the reason why people allow themselves to get hurt more than it could be reasonable: personally, I crave the apology and the fact that they're embarrassed. But I know I shouldn't let my ego get in the way on this. He's not gonna do anything, and if he did everything (whatever it is), it still wouldn't be enough to repair the damage.

I don't know, man, how awkward. And the worst part is that, if I am clear, I know he'll stick to my wishes. He'd leave me alone. I'd lose him entirely. But did I ever have him? I don't think I had a shot there. Let's see, I'd say something like this:

Look, man, I tried to see it as a joke but I didn't laugh. Theoretically, we are nothing but friends so you owe me no apologies or explanations, but at least understand that I like you as more than a friend, and in such situation, I found it very hurtful. So have a heart and stop talking to me. I'll get back to you in a couple of months when I feel for you as the friend you are.

I don't know how to elaborate this. I don't know how to explain to him that this is so fucked up. This is so Joseph-like, coming to find out there's someone else through the Internet. I mean, it's obvious that he and this girl have been talking in a certain way, or else they wouldn't be playing like this.

To talk or not to talk, huh? I feel so deeply hurt it's ridiculous. I've had this huge knot from my throat to my heart all day. And since this thing we had was a secret, I have no one to stand up for me. I mean, I told some people about my feelings for him but no one with enough authority to go and tell him to cut it out or insult him (hehe) or whatever.

Oh, and I'm happy his five-year-old niece is mad at him "for no reason". He loves her a lot. He deserves the wrath of an infant.

You know...I've had to endure two ugly blows yesterday and today: Breaking big news to my family's disapproval -which I expected, but it's different when it's actually happening- and Art having a "girlfriend". I'm proud of myself for not breaking down, and I think I won't, but at the same time, I feel so alone and overwhelmed.

PS: I should not forget, though, that I always have people who got my back and are rooting for me. Thank you.

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