He keeps hurting me.
Sunday, 05/10/09 - 2:50 pm.

After discussing with two guys this thing with Art, I was able to write down a little speech for him. For memory's sake, here it is:

Look, I know we have a fake relationship and with [her] it's jokingly fake, or so you say. She's tiny, cute, funny, all-happy, good-looking...she's not exactly an ego-booster for me. You enjoy playing that game and so does she. I know I don't have any right to say anything because in reality we're nothing, and looking at this I have probably taken everything so seriously (not just the FB thing). I know it's rrational of me because it's a joke and you warned me. But it was like someone warned me that they were gonna make me trip but when I trip is still lame. it's a joke, but it hurts, because our kind of relationship is based on words, and you also have a relationship with her of saying stuff whether it's 'cause the joke demands it to go on, or because it feels nice. And I can't watch that and act normally, because I thought that was only for me and it isn't. And I don't want to bother you with this anymore because you don't deserve it. I told you it was just my bruised ego and you're free to do what you want. So I'll stop talking to you for a while, while I stop being irrational and I get over you and when all is good again, in a couple of months, hopefully, and if you allow me to I'll talk to you again like the nice acquaintances we were before, alright?

I started to freak out last night, because he wouldn't come online. I knew what time he was getting off from work and it was much later than that. Finally, he did come online and told me a lady had bought over 200 t-shirts and it took him 45 minutes to check out everything.

I couldn't start the topic. We started to talk about something else. I thought that I'd choose being charming over being dramatic. It's easier that someone likes you when you're carefree and funny, no? Plus, the whole day I had not seen any FB exchange between them, and I thought that I shouldn't give it that much importance. The more I ignore it, the quicker it'll go away, right?

Now I'm not so sure. I haven't received text messages from him since friday and he was on FB, to change his status to something related to Mother's Day...AND to wish this girl a "happy mommy's day" while also leaving a kiss. I'm sorry, it hurts me. And it's obvious no exchange was made because she hasn't logged in.

Should I say something? I have asked around and of course, the decision is mine in the end. I thought I had chosen to ignore all this, but I can't. And now I don't know if I should tell him, at the risk of flushing our relationship as a whole down the toilet, or keep quiet, knowing these things will continue. The only way out I see is stop talking to him.

And beyond that, I'm scared. I'd never been scared of this, but here it goes: I'm scared of not finding anyone I can trust. Joseph shattered my trust, although unwillingly. It was the obvious consequence of breaking up and seeing what he did afterwards. I'm scared no one will love me the way Joseph once did. Or if they do, they will end up letting me down and leaving me drastically. I always thought I should never think this way because I have no real proof of these assumptions. But I don't feel like trusting anyone, really.

I suppose I should talk to him, huh? I'm not gonna be comfortable until I sort this out. *sigh* Wish me luck.

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