Thursday, 05/28/09 - 9:11 pm.
I've been thinking about it. About erasing Joseph from my contact list. It hurts to think about it, but given the events, I think it's the only way to really move on and heal.
You see, I thought I was ok. But everytime I am ok, it's because I've kept my distance from him, and I've kept my mind busy. And then he comes back and talks to me. My world has fallen apart this week. It's painful and even though I try to control my feelings, I break down often. I see no end to this heartache, not in the near future.
So I have thought about a goodbye for him. I mean, I've thought about things to say, but then I ask, "so? what's the course of action after you tell him all that?" Erase him, block him? Because if things are as bad as you're trying to express them, and they are, mentioning them is not enough.
Dear diary, here's the rehearsal of what I've thought of saying. First, I send him the screen capture of the message his wife sent me yesterday (acting like she confused me with him and talking about getting fucked), to support my argument. And then:
I think your wife has spoken. She's your life now, and while I'm flattered that you consider me your friend, you don't need me. It's inevitable that you'll talk about her. But she's a constant reminder that I failed you.
I've endured the blows as I could, because I thought you're worth keeping in my life in any form, and you were just moving on with your life. You have no idea the damage you have caused, albeit unwillingly. I learned from your nicks, for months, how you were hung up on her and in love and that you were getting married...it was very cynical of you to complain that you learned about my tattoo on FB.
There are so many conversations I'd love to have with you; you'd enjoy hearing that five days after you broke up with me, I started seeing a patient whose problem was that she could not get over her boyfriend of four years; I still see her, it's like going to therapy with myself.
***
And, um...I'll keep thinking. I can't concentrate anymore because Art and I are talking again. I was very defensive and he said it was all very weird. We cleared the misunderstandings and yeah, I'll put everything behind me regarding him. I'm the one who took everything too seriously and truth is, I need a friend like him. I'm less tense now and I'm glad to have him back...also, it could be that he never went away and it was all in my head...I'm so fucked up. Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser and nobody will ever love me.
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