Friday, 05/29/09 - 11:56 pm.
Well, my mood has improved since yesterday. So much for "I see no end for this heartache, not in the near future". For starters, it's helped that I closed the chapter with Art. Sure, I'm still upset and slightly hurt when I see he and the girl call each other "babe", because that's how WE used to treat each other and all I had from him were his words and then he goes and uses them on somebody else *deep breath*. But I have enough with the heartache over Joseph and Art doesn't take me so seriously anymore, so I'll just act the same way. Be friends. He's nice. The end.
Perhaps the most important reason why I'm better than yesterday is female solidarity. Cel came online last night, after so long of not being in touch with her. Is rare finding her, even rarer to maintain a conversation for more than five minutes. But we talked about my tattoo and about Joseph and oh, God, I'm in love with her. Heterosexually. I don't know, I love her so much. She's awesome, and there's only girl I can think of that compares to her in terms of wittiness. She soothes me, it's healing when she says that Joseph made a mistake. I don't know to what extent that's true, but it's soothing. I wish she came to visit. We'd have ridiculous amounts of fun.
The only girl I can compare her to is Angie. And she wrote me, too. I looove her and she loves me. But she also talked about Joseph's wife. I don't hate the girl, really, but when I read Angie's rants about "that fucking bitch" I kinda let my mind roam free and I enjoy seeing all those words I cannot say about her. It's liberating.
But I still haven't gotten to the point of knowing what to say to Joseph, to cut off our relationship. I think of not talking to him again in a long time and I get extremely heartachy. At the same time, though, I tell myself I can't endure a relationship with him, not after dragging my feelings on the mud like he did. I want my message to be short but in-your-face.
Hey, here's another rehearsal:
[After sending the screencap of the sexually explicit message from his wife] I think she's been pretty clear. Anyway, I'm not your friend, because she's your life now and it's inevitable that you'll talk about her. I've endured the blows ever since graduation day because I think you're worth having in my life in any form. But it's too much cynicism. Like enduring your complaint that I didn't tell you about the tat when I had to read all your love story on MSN Messenger. Like seeing a patient with the same problem as me. Like your "I'm not alone in this picture" warning when the FB pictures popped up unexpectedly months ago. Like thinking I'd be glad if I never had to see her face and I've even been like a feet away from the two of you [after Fer's death, when Angie and I drove past them] and she's even on my contact list now, asking how my weekend was or sending me messages with sexual content. I never thought I'd fail you so badly that I'd be replaced so quickly and so drastically. A huge part of what I am now, I owe it to you. But I ended up being a friend with benefits for you, and that's all you lost. I have done my best to move on. You have no idea the damage you have caused, but since the moment you got out of my car that day, it's not your weight to carry. It'd be unfair that I kept talking to you if I keep bringing this up (I'm afraid I will). It's unfair to you and, it kills me to say this, it's unfair to her, too.
And so...goodbye. I just don't know how to work the goodbye. But the message, I think that's it.
Back to the bright side of life, this week my two patients have made progress. I'm happy about that.