Old wounds, current doubts and job talk.
Tuesday, 07/21/09 - 9:31 pm.

Sometimes I think I should either get a new diary or lock this one. Back in my day, this name was unheard of, but more and more people know my twin now. Taking in consideration what I want, the best way to go would be locking it, in which case my lovely readers would get a password. I used to have a counter to keep track of who came by, but I lost it in one of those layout changes. I didn't keep up with the stats anyway.

So, yesterday I had a meeting at the clinic and afterwards I drove W to his house. I had to drive by Joseph's house. I must've done it like three times since january 17th (the last day I went to his house to have our last talk) but it's really painful. I talked to W about a few things on our break-up, particularly how he managed to ruin every special date since my graduation in october until Fer's funeral in february. By the time I got to W's house I was on the verge of crying. W must have noticed my need to speak so when he got out he said, "we'll keep talking about your memories one of these days". He's such a therapist, man.

I don't think about Joseph often, precisely because it's too painful. I'm much better than a couple of months earlier, of course, but...it's all still in here, in me.

You know what's funny? I keep thinking of Al. And I keep thinking of the reasons why I shouldn't think of him. I don't blame myself, my days are slow. And anyway, it's helped me to be free from hope. Like, if he was interested in me, he would have made a move. Our encounters are just circumstancial, because he happens to come along with CR. And that's why I've found myself wanting to go out with CR. Not for his company, but for whom he might bring along. That's kinda mean, I know (but CR has lost his "I want to hang out with him" appeal...you know: I pay for him when we go out, I drive him home, he stares at me like a creep, etc).

And hey, both topics, Joseph and Al, were to be developed more throughly but I'm tired and talking to people online. About the first: I am ALWAYS tired, it has come to my attention. I'm not made to have an 8 to 5 job with a 5 to 8 plus saturday morning second job*, and certainly not made to be an executive assistant (aka a secretary). W told me last night that that's partly why he loves to teach at universities. He can get out once in a while and meet with people and do other stuff during the day. Me, I only see the sun when it comes out and when it sets.

* My second job, at the clinic, is what I really want to do with my life, professionally speaking. I don't want a typical 8 to 5 job. I hope one day I'll have my dream atypical job.

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