Wednesday, 08/05/09 - 12:58 am.
Joseph is having a baby. I mean, his wife is. It kills me (or at least leaves me in agony) that after 10 months of breaking up with me, he already got himself a family in the most traditional fashion. I feel meaningless for him; I believe, being as rational as he is, that he has no remorse over anything regarding our ending as a couple and I can only imagine how happy he is.
Me, I have nothing new to add. It's painful but it's the same old. I did delete him from my contact list on messenger -I'd only blocked him-, so now he's gone for good. See, I asked Art if he'd seen Joseph come online, and he said yes, the last couple of days. He said he wanted to ask me something about Joseph but it was embarrasing, and I asked if it had to do with a baby. He said yes. Well, I don't know anything and I'm not interested in knowing. This is my cue to kick him entirely out of my life...ok, he hasn't been IN my life for quite a while now, but I mean, to me he's still in it, in a phantom-limb way.
I felt like crying last night, but when I was in bed I thought it was not worth it. What happened, or rather how it happened, was very unfair for me but he's gone and living his own life now and I should do the same. The way things turned out between him and me destroyed a good part of me, my self-worth, my self-confidence (as I was uncapable of keeping him by my side), but I have to look after what's left and try to start over. He's happy, right? He's got what he wanted from life and that should make me at least a little glad, yes? I guess I am glad, when/if I think of him as someone who loved me unconditionally for four years and made me grow up and taught me many things about life.
I'm a little confused, however. I don't know what to say, even though I feel the need to say something. I've been in anguish at the thought of Mrs Smith pregnant and Joseph happy like he's never been before. I do fear for the creature when I remember that Mrs Smith is, as far as I've experienced and been told, pretty immature. At the thought of me having vanished from his life for good and being just one more in his list of ex-girlfriends, with nothing to make me stand up from the rest. I feel so unespecial, so ordinary.
And to make up for that, I wrote on my FB status that I was pretty awesome. I was feeling miserable but I thought of giving myself some credit and staying positive. And to my surprise, a couple of people seconded my opinion, which is always a big aaaawww. And also, when I published that and read it, I said, hey...I am.
So even with a little Joseph fetus on the way, I've managed to brighten up. And the late afternoon events have helped me to do so.
This morning I called CR. I'd said I wouldn't but I had a spare $5 credit from my new cellphone so we chatted for 6 minutes. I hear you went out with Evil Lighthouse.... Jeez. Yeah, with him and his brother and cousin. I said yeah, but he also stood me up a couple of days ago. CR didn't let me explain anything, and started saying that tonight we should get together to play and that Lighthouse will see that I'm attractive and smart and he'll love me and his family will love me too, and I freaked out. What the hell was that about? I only was trying to say that if one can't make it to an appointment, one calls the other person to inform him/her.
In the afternoon I went out for coffee with my friend Victor and a couple of girls from university; good friends I made back in my day, when I was a psychology student, young and stupid. After that, Victor and I stopped by Office Depot and I bought binders to sort out my old class notes and midterms. My retail therapy consists of shopping for office supplies.
Even thought CR had told me we'd get together, I figured he was just bluffing so I started working on my binders. But at 6:30, Evil Lighthouse calls me...Yeah...like three days later (indeed, three), inviting me to his house. Damn...I did not expect that. He said CR was there and they were up for some Nintendo. Before 8 pm, I was at the main gate of his very classy neighborhood, giving out my name.
When I parked the car and got out, Evil Lighthouse opened the door before I even got to the doorway. CR was in the bedroom and Lighthouse checked the SNES games I'd brought (both of us own SNES and N64). He tried most of them, and we played a bit of F-Zero, Earthworm Jim, Hook, Super Metroid, Street Fighter II Turbo...and one that won my heart, Beavis & Butthead. Evil Lighthouse and I dedicated a good while to that game and CR said we made a good team. While we played, they smoked a couple of joints.
Afterwards we moved to the living room, to play Starfox 64 in surround system. So awesome, man, SO AWESOME! We had a few battles, and my first victory was perfection, me as Falco locking in on Fox (Evil Lighthouse) and throwing a bomb. We played three times and then he and I decided to finish the game.
It took us about one hour. And MAN, I'm good at that game. I might have impressed the boys a little. Lighthouse's little brother (he's 21) showed up from time to time. Lighthouse introduced us, and his brother reminded him that he's actually introduced us two times before. At some point, his big brother, the singer from the band I go to see every month, also showed up. He's very handsome, by the way. I was very engaged in Starwolf's battle, so perhaps my "hello" to him was particularly enthusiastic.
Lighthouse and I took turns and we finished the game in all its glory. CR wanted a new match but we have had our Starfox dose. So Lighthouse and I left CR in training mode and the two of us got back to his room. And we started to make out.
Nah, not really. We just exchanged SNES games. At some point I thought he stood in front of me a little too closely, but I'm quite convinced I'm just "one of the boys" for him. He walked me to my car and so did CR. And I came home.