Sunday, 09/09/09 - 9:27 pm.
All I accomplished today was going out with my friend S, first for coffee and then for french fries; I drove around to make the most of our get-together. It was pretty cool seeing him, I hadn't seen him in months. But it was just for a couple of hours. I came home too soon and to kill time I showered to get rid of my pretty curly hair. Straight hair is easier to manage for work and it looks less flirty; I have no one to be flirty for.
Ugh, work.
I tried calling CR but I was sent directly to voicemail the whole day. I hate the moral of this story. Remember I was saying I was a little tired of seeing him and I needed a break from him? Well, be careful what you wish for, I guess. Now I can't even reach him.
Also, I hate waiting for a call from Lighthouse. It's not happening, I know, and yet I keep waiting. I've been thinking about what I said yesterday, that nobody asks me out. And I discovered that I'm ok with that, because I like having control over who I go out with and I don't take it personally if they say they can't. When I say "nobody asks me out" I mean "Lighthouse does not ask me out". I'm pretty cool at insight-ing, eh?
[AAAAHHH, I just got my new copy of Fight Club, with the cover of the bleeding guy!!! And Joey Kramer's biography, and The Lucifer Effect and the Art of Integrative Counseling...man, I love books. Brother #1's mother-in-law just came back from Houston, and I got the books and some pictures of my family there, including my year-and-a-half nephew...he's such a little gentleman now!].
Anyway...argh. I'm so frustrated with these two guys. Especially with Lighthouse. I suppose I'm thinking too highly of myself and so I keep wondering why he isn't attracted to me. He doesn't have to be. He isn't. He's blown me off so many times, man (today at BK I remembered when Fer was in the hospital, in february, and he asked me to go grab a bite, and in the end he left without me). But I keep hanging onto hope. WHY? Why, oh, why, if I realize that is harming me?
But then I ask myself, as I've done before, what else would I think about, if not about this guy? Joseph? Today I updated S about my relationship with him...err, his ghost, and I realized I didn't want to hear about him anymore. My opinions on that change, sometimes I want to know how he is, sometimes I want to spend the rest of my life not knowing how he is. Right now is the latter. I was tempted to check his FB, after noticing he had had some activity recently (writing "assholes" on a video of him). But I refrained. I don't deserve this.
It's not that I'd like to have him erased from my memory, like on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but I want to stay away from everything that has to do with him, as much as possible. This pains me very much too, because...well, fuck, it's JOSEPH. But I already lost him, anyway, and I can't handle it any other way. I always said I'd like to have a good relationship with ex boyfriends but with him I can't. I admire some of my friends from school, who dated in high school and remain best friends. Best. Friends. You heard me. Me, I'm hurt because I turned out to be very easy for him to replace, and suddenly there was no room for me in his life anymore.
So tomorrow I go back to my routine, and I discover that I'm not doing enough to go study abroad as soon as possible; and yet I can't bring myself to speed up the process. I tell myself I'm getting paid this week, just to keep myself motivated, because I don't like working as a secretary. And I feel alone. I have a lot of friends, really good friends that maybe won't call me but are always glad when I call them, but I still feel alone. And I know next time I talk to Lighthouse will be because *I* will give in and call him. I feel weak.