Tuesday, 10/20/09 - 9:41 pm.
I took my nephew #2 for dinner tonight. Just because I could and wanted to. I needed to spend quality time with him, although it's not like we talk a lot. But spending time with him it's always nice. Before going out, we watched The Big Bang Theory...I was happy because they mentioned behaviorism and I got to teach him what a homunculus was. He's learning to play the guitar and is starting to like girls...well, one girl in particular. And is such a teenager now, in general. He's a wonderful boy.
It's time for a blast from the past. Let's go back to the year 2002. It was my last year of high school and in the middle of the year I fell in love with someone I refered to as D. He seemed to have feelings for me and I was very much into him, and we'd flirt a lot. But one day he started to ignore me. I, having a rather sensitive limbic system at the time, fell apart, started to cut myself and became a very grim person. Not entirely, because I'd started to fit in with Art's gang and while it was the worst year, it was also the best (hello, Jacques Lacan). But I was so brokenhearted, man. Especially when I learned that D was dating somebody else.
(I suppose I could go back to 2002 and read the entries to paint a better picture; but this'll do).
We went to the same university so I saw him a few times the next year, especially our first months there. And I was still hung up on him, having fantasies of him coming up to me to apologize. I was alone, more immature...I didn't face very well his rejection, a rejection I never understood where it came from. He just stopped looking at me. We reconnected the last days of high school but it wasn't the same. Eventually, I stopped talking to him. I got a new MSN messenger account to stop seeing him online...instead of blocking him/deleting him, funny.
So that was seven years ago. I forgot about him, stopped cutting, went on with my life. I must had seen him five or six times per year walking around campus. Then I saw him a couple of months ago, at a class of 2002 get-together. We were kind of catching up, he was in awe by my tattoo and told me he was in the process of getting one. It was nice seeing him again and there were no hard feellings at all from me (since I was the injured one). Then, by coincidence, I ran into him at a pizza parlor a week later. He kept me company while my friends showed up. As it's custommary these days, I added him to Facebook.
Why would I bring this up? Because last night he asked me out. Not on a date, really, but I'd still call it "ask out". He wrote me to tell me that his tattoo was done (it's the same drawing I got, but his is colored), and then asked me to go out so he could show it to me and so I could teach him how to take pictures of it (yeah, that's just his odd humor).
I'm going out with him on saturday (I think I'm going out with Skeleton Guy that day too). Anyway...I suppose I'm saying all this because it's been seven years. Seven years ago, I kinda sorta wanted to kill myself, but that was just my adolescent, broken-hearted self. Seven years ago, I reallized I had to get away from D to heal and it took me a long time to get over the hurt. Not over him but over the hurt he caused me. But then time passed; I got over all that. I forgave him and I don't think this awkward moment in our lives will be brought up in our future conversation.
I wonder if, in seven years, I'll be able to look at Joseph, if I'll be able to talk to him. Ask me now and I'll tell you "no". Absolutely not. Sometimes I imagine ourselves getting together for coffee or something, and at first I smile and want to. But then I picture the situation more carefully: his pretty face, the stories he'll tell me about his wife and kid (I don't know why, but I want his kid to be a boy)...basically, things I don't want to hear. And I shut off this fantasy and realize I'm better off away from him. And I hope I'll always think this way.
Yesterday my friend Angie did one of those Facebook things in which you tag your friends according to some characters. She'd tagged me as Buzz Lightyear, "the one that saves the day". That was very sweet.
My heart skipped a beat when, hours later, a new e-mail in my inbox read "[Joseph] commented on a photo of you". His message said "o.0 I dont know what to say". I panicked..."wait, what's he commenting on?!?!?". By then I'd completely forgotten about getting tagged by Angie. I checked the image again, and she had tagged him, too. As Captain Hook, "the creep". Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I bursted out laughing. I LOVE HER.
At night, it freaked me out that Joseph was online on the FB chat. I don't pay attention to that chat but last night I needed to talk to someone and he was on the list of online people. I don't know, it was just weird. It's weird that he's still around. I never deleted him; if he uploads more pictures I'll just hide his fucking feeds.
Hahahahaha, "the creep". He's a good man, really. But, you know...for me, it's been unbearable.
Things are awesome with JC. I see him as one of my best friends now, no problematic feelings involved, and tomorrow night he, Monica and I are attending a poetry night thing, because a common friend will read his poems. We're still working out the details but it should be great.
And, um...well, this weather is awesome, too. Sometimes sunny, sometimes cloudy, but it's cold! Windy! Yay! Finally. And that alone makes me smile.
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