Tuesday, 10/16/01 - 6:02 p.m..
I'll probably give up on Cory from now on. Yeah, yeah...I told him to gave his sweetheart a letter asking her to forget everything that happened. Here I was, the loyal friend, telling a brokenhearted friend what to do, as if I wasn't brokenhearted. He showed me the letter he wrote today. It was like in the movies:
friend A tells friend B an idea and friend B uses it, looking like a genius and forgets to give credit to friend A.
I'd told him what to say, and he did. Whatever, I wasn't expecting he'd write "she told me to tell you this". I hope it works out for him. But from now on, we surely have nothing to talk about, so it's kissing Cory goodbye. Love sucks. MY love sucks. I can't love.
I'm not describing my day. It was too weird. One thing I'll say is that Veronica came up to me and apologized again...fuck, I'd have loved to send her to hell but...I can't fuckin' get it out!!! I just imagined her how she'd victimized about it...even worse, I imagined her crying. I did something, however...first, I refused to go with her to the cafeteria. The, she told me again: I love you. I smiled again. Why do you smile that way? She asked with a question-mark smile. Nothing, I said. I could notice she was about to cry: I don't demonstrate it, right?. I smiled again. I just think it's sweet how everybody tells you that, I said, smiling. But it's all in the feelings.... I can't remember how we wound up but I kinda let her know that I love you is something that many people tell me everyday and hers is not special anymore.
However, it left me brokenhearted. And there was no one. Again. I felt alone. As usual. And no way talking to Cory. He's just...I guess my useful phase for him is over. And it's ok...well, no, that's not "ok". Yet that's something that always happen. I don't know why. I keep my eyes open but I always wind up in the same fuckin' situation. Use it and leave it. I should have known it, though...and guess what? Cory's best *female* friend is the guy's real love.
And guess something else...the guy's best *female* friend is one of Cory's best *female* friends. I'm not even supposed to get involved in that group.
We had the first afternoon period off again. I wanted to cry (Today's Veronica incident happened after lunch). But I got together with Head and....oh, God, he's truly an amazing guy. He had such ballheavyness that he lied on the benches, like a homeless drunk. He made me forget all of my problems. I would never tell him about my problems but he's a nice person to laugh with. People say only we're the only ones who understand each other. That may be true. We start talking about something, interrupt the topic and jump onto another.
Maybe I ask for too much. Maybe the people I want to find doesn't even exist. Hey, no. I'm not asking for something out of this world. I'm asking for something that everybody else has. I'm looking for that "one" that'd make me feel complete. And I'm not talking about puppy love. I mean, I want a serious relationship. But it can't be. I can join any group but eventually I feel uncomfortable. Like today, I joined one group of girls. There were just 3 of them. Then the other two components of it arrived. They started talking about their own things. Needless to say, I couldn't participate because I had no idea what they were talking about.
Ok, I give up. At least for this year, I give up. I don't fit, ok? I didn't want to accept it, but I just don't fit in. I wanted to build a relationship based on confidence but it can't be. I'll face it.
So....should I cry? Yeah, definitely. There's not much more I can do.
Friend. One would be enough. Yeah, I have many "friend elements" in many people. There's one person I listen to. There's one person I laugh with. There's one person I work with. But I'm still missing something. There's no one who really listens. Who really cares about me. Who I can really trust. Who looks into my eyes when I'm talking. There's no one with me at moments like this one. Like this one. There comes a time when I'm tired of taking care of everybody else and I'm tired of taking care of myself. When I need to be taken care of. Plus, everybody else puts you aside eventually, like Cory. Or just call you when you're with "the urge" like the guy.
And my voices...yeah, it's cool but it's...it's always inside. It's still me. They never come out. It's always in there. I need to take it out. But I just don't have the balls. If I had the balls, I'd probably have left Veronica crying today. If I hadn't have feelings, I'd probably have left Veronica crying today....I'm between a rock and...another rock.
On a brighter side....hi, I'm on a brighter side. I found out that there's no math exam this week, after all. Thank God.
Yeah, I'd fuckin' love to cry but there's no point on doing so, right? I mean, yeah, do it, get it off but...I think I have to be tough at times like this. When the goin' gets tough, the tough gets goin'...wise words, Timon & Pumbaa. But I'm sorry...I've lost this battle. I'll go and cry, fuck it.
*15 minutes later*...I just talked on the phone with the guy. Guess what? We're being watched by the whole student body because of this little affair that, by the way, happened in June. He's been asked about it, about what happened (of course he denies everything). I haven't. Because...because of the label people has put on me. Because they're hypocrite. Anyway...I couldn't help crying on the phone, he said some wise words, or at least nice words that made me feel a bit better. But he said: why would you get involved with this jackass, anyway? Oh, fuck. Baby, you're not a jackass...and I'd get involved with you (I did, actually). But I didn't tell him. I hope this bring us closer...I'd love it if I was given the chance to love him. And I mean *love* him. Not fuck him. I'd give him...not the world. I'd give myself. I give what I'd love to receive: I wouldn't ask a guy for the world. I'd just ask for himself. I'll call him tomorrow to thank him for making me feel better. I don't feel that abandoned now. God has His misterious ways to tell you that something you need to hear.
And tell you what...as I was getting Cory off my list I thought there's only the guy to go. No. He's still here. I'll fight to keep him by my side. Is that love? I don't know...but it surely sounded like "friendship" on the phone. There's always hope. If I give up, I'll be wasting that hope.