So think of something new...there's nothing left to do.
Monday, 01.11.10 - 11:22 am.

I try to move along. I'm busy everyday and I'm not home a lot. The only day I spent entirely at home was saturday, and even that changed at 8 pm when my friend Victor1 called me and asked me to keep him company, while he drove his sister somewhere, and then we had something to eat; I really thanked his call, I actually needed to get out and get my mind off things. I meet up with people and have fun, but at the back of my mind I'm wishing to meet up with JC.

Currently I have a knot in my stomach and I want to throw up. It seems I don't have a heart to keep breaking so I get knots in my stomach. I wasn't expecting a new reply from JC to my last e-mail, but I found one this morning. What'd it say? Nothing. Nothing I wanted to hear, anyway. He said my e-mail was too good and left him speechless. He thanked me for my words, said they were very healing for him and hoped it was the same for me. Then he talked irrelevant stuff and said that we have to get together soon, and that maybe on friday him and other three people (that I once called the PFs, but we're hardly a group) and myself we'll hang out. He does want us to remain friends, because I'm potently funny and intellectually stimulating. Hmph.

Let's rewind to the healing part. I asked myself, "did I let this guy off the hook so easily?". Definitely. He's free to live his life with one weight less off his back, while I go through life limping, emotionally. But then I ask myself, what else was I supposed to do? The opposite of letting him off the hook is hanging on. Hang on to what? To him? To him, who doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with me and is increasingly uninterested in me? Hang on to him like I did with Joseph and hurt myself inmensely in the process? What I did here, when I said to JC "I know you fell out of love with me, these things happen" was let go. We're always told that we should and that it's best to let go. So that's what I'm trying to do. And unfortunately, those things DO happen.

But of course, hurt as I am, I think that what happened is inmensely unfair and I want the damage to be repaired. But how? By hurting him somehow, insulting him, hitting him? Knowing his guilt, he'd probably say he deserved it, but that wouldn't change his feelings for me...and if it did, it would be for the worse. And here's the bottom line: I wish his feelings for me were back to what they were in the beggining of december. But there's nothing I can do to change that. The person he fell in love with and then fell out of love with (all too quickly) is the same: it's me. And whatever my hurt ego would feel like doing, it wouldn't be effective in the long run, because what I really, really want is not gonna happen. Ergo, let go, self. Let it go.

Thinking like this is healing, he hopes. Not really. Not right now. But it doesn't make it any worse. I'm just very sad.

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