Put a band-aid on it and honor your schedule.
Thursday, 01.14.10 - 11:01 am.

Aside from my family, very few people remember when exactly is my birthday, so I've been getting congratulations for a week now. I think that's pretty neat. I don't know why or when I hid my birthday on Facebook but I noticed I'd done that last year when I realized I got considerably fewer birthday messages than the average FB user. It's no big deal, really, and I don't think I'll change that these days.

Last year my birthday was lame, thanks to Joseph and his kindness. He was kind enough to come over and visit me, that was the last time I ever saw him (I drove by him and his wife once a month later, but that doesn't count). He brought CR and I went out with him at night and I met Lighthouse and from then on it was fun all around with those guys. It was lame because I was hurt and miserable and I couldn't act happy and I hated hearing Joseph talk about his then-girlfriend. On the other hand, my siblings, having jobs of good citizens, were busy covering the elections and nobody was available for the cake. We had cake, yes, but my parents cut it when I wasn't around, because Brother #3 had to go back to work and they didn't want him to leave without having his piece. I'm proud of stuff like this, though. I think it makes my life more interesting and worth-telling.

So anyway. It makes me happy to check my agenda and see that there's a name or names for every day of the week. This means I've been hanging out with a lot of people and that's a nice way to celebrate my life, regardless of my birthday or unbirthday. I already have plans for next week! I already have three appointments. People do call me and ask me to hang out and talk. I'm happy because I used to complain that nobody called me. I worked on it last year and now they do! I don't have a default circle of friends but at least I have many options of people I can call and that call me.

I went out with Skeleton Guy yesterday. It was ok, I guess. He's a good guy and we had a nice conversation, but it was nice because we struggled to keep it nice...at least I struggled to keep it going, I really felt like I had nothing to talk about with him. He invited me over to his house to play the drums and jam and at first I said yes, but then I backed off. He is a nice guy but he's still a stranger to me. I didn't feel comfortable...and maybe not in a sexually risky manner, I just thought going to his house just the two of us was way too much intimacy. So maybe next week, and I'm taking CR, our common friend, with me.

Also last night, JC called me to my cell phone. Just to say hi and tell me that we may get together with other friends on friday, although nothing's been set yet. I was really, really happy to hear from him and to realize, to genuinely feel that I can have a friendship with him. We talked for about 7-10 minutes, I didn't check. Then at night he sent me a couple of messages over messenger, before he got back to working on his thesis.

I told all this to my friend Victor1, also on messenger, and he said he perceived some hope on my part. I was embarrassed to admit that yes, talking to him makes me hopeful. It gives me hope that we'll get back together (although we were never officially together). In fact, remember I said I felt happy by his phone call? After hanging up, I was sad. I was sad because what I want/hope and the reality of things won't match. I'm torn between being hopeful and realistic.

I haven't done so bad regarding JC, though. A few days ago I woke up and felt I was dealing not with a cut but with a scar. The pain comes and goes, but in general, I've felt saner and calmer this week. That's not to say I wish he liked me again but I tell myself that's over now and moving on is the best option. This may sound like a contradiction but even though I'm hoping, I'm not waiting for anything. I want something to happen (namely, him loving me) but I don't expect it to happen.

Last night also, our common friend Monica sent me a curious message, saying she felt like writing me to let me know I could count on her if I needed to release some of the "rivers of anguish" I had to deal with. She never said it, but it gave me the impression that JC told her it's over between us. I mean, she noticed we had something going on and JC told her we did...it's logical that now he has to explain to her what happened and take that "I like her so much" crap back. And indeed, that gives me a little anguish because when you have something on your mind, putting it into words out loud, saying it to a third party, makes it more real. And I do not need to remind you, my current reality with JC is slightly heartbreaking.

I found an e-mail from him this morning (you can see I communicate a lot, no wonder I have a busy schedule). I thought he was going to ask me about his thesis but no. He's thinking of getting a tattoo and wanted my opinion on a few Nintendo control designs. He wouldn't strike you as a tattoo person but once we talked about mine and when he said there wasn't anything attractive enough for him to get inked on, I asked, "what about Nintendo stuff?". He said that it was a good idea. So he's into that right now and I'm excited for him but, you know, it may be just a phase. Like I was (cue my Self: you will never let that go, will you?!).

Once again, I'm writing from the office. I suppose I should feel bad but hey, even my boss is walking around with his shirt untucked, that's how informal the lack of funding and work has turned us. And in my defense, I have a busy day ahead and won't be able to do it later: drum lessons in the afternoon and then spending time/having dinner with Nephew #1, my sister, aunt and cousin Mario. My nephew came from Houston on monday and will stay here until May. That's good. Sometimes when I come back from Houston, I don't see him again until six months later or so.

In the meantime, I allow myself to hope because, believe it or not, it helps me get through the day. Anyway, sooner or later I'll gather more evidence to reject it and destroy it, so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

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