Sunday, 01.17.10 - 7:04 pm.
I decided that this year I'd celebrate my birthday with my friends. I don't celebrate, really, other than having cake with my family. But what the hell, I said, I worked hard last year to have strong bonds with people so I might as well enjoy the results.
This noon I met up with my friends Victor1, Victor2 and Saul, for lunch. I invited Victoria too, but she couldn't make it. That kind of broke my heart, but she has an awesome boyfriend and she's very happy with him, so I forgive her for having a previous engagement. It's a shame, though. I wanted to have them all together because, aside from being close friends, they're a riot. The boys and I went for mexican food, and then for ice cream and then we hung out at a wonderful park. I thought this lunch thing would take us a couple of hours but it took us the whole afternoon. I had a lot of fun and it helped me keep my mind off things (to be mentioned ahead). So I could say that my first celebration went really well.
This weekend I succesfully faced the hardship of a broken faucet, which lead me, among other things, to close the underground water pipes for 24 hours. Also, my nephew crashed here last night and I had to make breakfast for him and drive him to an activity of his community. I've been living quite the adult life and I love it. I have also really being entirely alone time.
When I met with JC, Monica and Orlando, we agreed on getting together at my house on tuesday night. They don't know it's my birthday and I'm not interested in them knowing, let alone JC. I think we'll watch movies and order pizza and perhaps we'll get Monica and Orlando drunk because they are so funny when they get drunk. There's also the possibility that they spend the night, in case it gets too late or they get too drunk. This weekend would have been perfect for that but they already had plans.
Monica and I have been talking online a lot. Maybe she doesn't know about JC and I like I thought she did, but whatever. We may become very good friends. I really like her. And what a coincidence, she's been talking to me about Janis Joplin; I've been thinking about Joplin because she and I were born on the same date. Not that it makes a difference in anything, but I think it's cool. Monica just sent me a few reccomendations and I was kind of biting my tongue to inform Monica about our birthday. She'd say that it's so trippy that she brought Janis Joplin up at such moment. Monica and I, like JC and I, often encounter these silly coincidences: to explain it vaguely, you address a subject and for one reason or another it pops up somewhere else.
[Aaaww, my friend Sulley just called me for my birthday. She thought it was tomorrow, like a lot of people do, but it's still so wonderful that she thinks of me and calls me from time to time. I should start doing the same for her]
I think I mentioned JC somewhere in the above paragraph, so now that we're on that subject, allow me to sit and be brokenhearted for a couple of seconds.
Thanks. Moving on.
He called me yesterday at 7:30 am, to thank me for the Nintento magazine and the Mario Bros Star. It was a very casual thank-you, but I already knew he wouldn't understand the depth of the emotions that led me to buy such stuff for him. Even if he did, it's not like he can reciprocate, right?
Last night I did something very bold, but I swear it was an effort to rebuild a friendship: I texted him to invite him to go see a movie this afternoon. Or rather, I asked him to come along because I was planning on going anyway.
I was ready for dissapointment. I just knew he wouldn't go, for whatever reason. He texted back saying he wasn't sure because he had to work on his thesis. This afternoon he texted saying he definitely wouldn't be able to make it, because on top of that, he had a wake to attend.
I was with the boys having lunch when I got that text. And I got so sad. And for a while I got distracted and wasn't paying attention to where I was and what they were saying. But when they talked about going somewhere else to have ice cream I was glad, because going to the movies by myself, much less staying home, wasn't so appealing anymore.
I might see JC on tuesday night, if he comes. I might see him on friday night if he decides to come with Monica, Orlando and me, to take my nephew to a concert. Then...nothing. There's no future with him. And under such circumstances, I'm thinking of...you know, severing all ties with him after this week.
Here's why: my ego hurts. Over time, I've -finally- realized that the fact that a guy wants to be friends with the girl (or viceversa) just means that they are ending on good terms and that'll help them feel not so much as crap. After the break-up, I've been feeling like he's buried me. I've been left behind. I understand that such is the natural process of losing, for me being the perpetual loser, but it hurts too much to try to keep a smiley face on while it's happening.
I guess I should give more thought to this and ask myself if I should carry out the plan or not. But right now it makes sense. I do feel comfortable when I'm around him, I'm just not comfortable when I'm not around him.
After letting Joseph go, letting JC go shouldn't be that hard. I know the drill: block him on MSN, delete his phone numbers and text messages, hide his feed on Facebook. One closure e-mail from me saying what I just said, congratulating him beforehand for his birthday (May 7th) and his graduation (October) and P.S. don't write back. And it's the end of my relationship with him. I can do all this in a couple of minutes.
I look back on how incredible everything with him was and I feel weak...but on the long run, what I've said it's just easier to endure, I suppose. That way I cut off temptation from its roots. I'm sure he's not going to invite me to his house to play Wii ever again, so cutting him off will assure me that there'll be zero expectations for the future.
So I guess that's how it's going to be, huh? Every guy that breaks my heart will be cut off from my life. I swear I didn't want to be this way, I wanted to have a nice friendship afterwards. This isn't a matter of forgiveness. Apparently, I'm just not very good at handling heartache and fantasies. All the voices in my head are sorry that I'm losing awesome people just because they don't love me like I love them...but they also say, do what feels right for you. Even though I would have like to be friends with Joseph, I don't regret cutting him off entirely from my life.
So I'll give it some more thought. Actually, this wasn't something I had in mind when I started to write this entry. I just wanted to say that even though I knew JC wouldn't come to the movies with me, I was surprised to feel so heartbroken when he did say no. You may ask why I asked him in the first place. It's 'cause I'm a loser.
I just wanted to say, once more, how hard is for me to deal with ghosts.
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