Tuesday, 01.19.10 - 4:13 pm.
Today a year ago, I was sitting awkwardly with Joseph and CR in my living room. Joseph insisted on coming to see me for my birthday, and while it was nice that he stayed for the entire afternoon, I was too wounded to fake smiles. I managed to give him cake and pretend I cared to hang out with him and his then girlfriend (now wife) just like nothing. I suppose it was a surviving piece of my pride.
And that was the last time I saw Joseph. And it was pretty much the first time I went out at night. It was the beggining of my friendship with CR and it was also the night I met Lighthouse. It was a sucky birthday but it was also a door to a new outlook on life. Oh, and I had just discovered the White Stripes. They're awesome.
That day, a year ago, I turned 24. Today I turn 25 and there's an abyss between those two dates. 365 days, like any other year, yes, but in terms of experience and growth, it's been quite a severe turn.
Of course I've received congratulations all around. It's good to be loved although I don't think I deserve some of the words I've received. I suppose I should live on to honor them, huh? I must thank all these people because they make my life as awesome as it is.
My morning was veeery slooow at work and nobody knew it was my birthday. I came home at noon to have a quick, silent lunch...usually I watch Friends but I was in a hurry because at 1 I had evaluations for a job. It's the job my cousin's wife got for me and it's a bit more appealing than it originally seemed. If they made me choose between working part time as a secretary where I am or full time as a psychologist there, though, I wouldn't really know what to choose. See, the amount of time balances off the type of job. If I get it, cool. If I don't get it, cool.
JC called me at 9 am. I leave my cell phone at home when I go to work so I saw the missed call at noon. He called me again in the afternoon and said he'd thought of calling me at midnight but didn't want to wake me up. That made me realize he knew my birthday was today. I didn't think he'd know or remember. Of course, this doesn't make me feel like a hopelessly love-struck schoolgirl anymore and that's good. I'm glad I don't consider it a "Sign of Something" or wakes up some hope in me. He's just being nice. Beings friends means being diplomatic, that's all.
Although he is coming tonight, with Monica and Orlando. I'm looking forward to that. We'll have the house for ourselves.
However, that'll be for a heartbreaking reason: M, the housekeeper, lives here during the week, but she had to go back to her hometown because someone she knew was murdered last night. I love my country as a whole but there are very specific things that I hate with all my being are not easy to change short-term.
Perhaps now that we're on ugly but necessary subjects, last night I couldn't sleep because I had a hunch. I think I've mentioned this knot in my stomach that I've had lately and constantly. Like something is going to happen. I know in this diary I don't talk about issues like Haiti or the earthquake that happened yesterday here (luckily, there was no damage)...I use this diary as a bubble, however tiny. But the truth is, I live scared. I don't lose the joy of living nor fear keeps me from getting out of the house...much. But you're never safe here.
There's the volcano that could either erupt or cause a landslide. I live at its feet. There's the fear I get every time I go out, that I might get robbed at gunpoint or knifepoint, or that a raging driver will crash my car. I particularly get scared when guys tell me stuff on the street. I get scared and angry and I can't do anything. It's not that I feel powerless, it's that I actually am. Talk back at someone who cut you off in traffic or called you something, but you don't know if he will pull out a gun or something. And it might sound like I am paranoid. I'm just replying to my context.
So perhaps I've been meaning to verbalize all this. I've been anxious for no apparent reason, but it could go along those lines. Could also be that I'm still somatizing my heartbreak regarding JC, that I'm tired of the heartache and I'd just rather experiment the pain in other ways, if I must.
That doesn't explain the Hunch I had last night. But at least it went away. I was so nervous that I decided to drive instead of walking to work, even though I get to work in 10 minutes by walking. I figured the hunch had something to do with being sexually harrassed on the street, but that was just a hyphothesis, as valid and invalid as any other. I disguised my driving to work: "it's a treat to myself, for my birthday". It WAS a treat, though.
Guests should arrive soon. We'll see how it goes, but it does sound like a promising night.
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