Saturday, 01.23.10 - 4:22 pm.
I continue to meet up with friends. Every day a new face. It's pretty awesome, particularly in cases in which the meal/coffee is on them, for my birthday. However, I am concerned about going out too much, because from both a financial and nutritional points of view, is not so advisable. But food is a key factor in socialization, so what can I do? I'll enjoy it while I can. I'm running out of friends to meet up with, at least until the next round comes.
My parents come back from Houston on monday, so my days of freedom are coming to an end. I was talking to my sister about my idea of living on my own. She bought her own house at 19, so she gave me advice. I should focus on saving to buy a small house or apartament (preferably house), not rent one, because in the end that's just throwing away your money without a real investment. Right now I'm saving for when I go studying abroad, but frankly, I'm not saving as much as I'd like. I guess it's time to review my money managing skills.
Last night I was going to take Nephew #1 to his first ska concert. Monica, Orlando and JC were going to come along. JC excused himself because he had a birthday party to attend. Orlando couldn't make it because he had a meeting with a guy that's interested in funding and promoting his band. Monica had to wake up early to go to work. So in the end, Nephew #1 and I went to the movies and we invited M, our housekeeper. I've noticed what a lonely job live-in housekeeping is. M is part of the family and she loves movies, so it only made sense that she came along.
We saw All About Steve. SPOILER ALERT, jump to the next one-line paragraph if you haven't seen this movie and plan to. Try as I might, I can't remember another movie in which the girl doesn't get the guy in the end. It was a little sad but also very refreshing. I, carrying this certain knowledge about romantic relationships, didn't think it was possible that they ended up together. The way they ended was pretty rational-emotive, I think, so I was all for it. But I couldn't help thinking, what a shame to lose such a nice guy.
The story of my romantic life, I guess.
So this is where I get back to the subject of JC. I had suspected he wouldn't come along. It was no surprise when I got his message. And I said to myself, this is the last time I invite him. Yesterday was pretty critical, because I decided to cut off my communication with him. I blocked him on MSN and resolved to not return his text messages...if he ever sends one again, that is. I'm still debating whether to write him a letter, pour my heart out with less cognition and more emotion. I wouldn't insult him, but there's no denying that what he did to me was really, really stupid, and I feel like kicking him, literally kicking him out of my life, like I should have done with Joseph. I think I already said this, "being friends" just means "being diplomatic", and quite frankly, I'm too hurt to keep making that effort.
He turned down my invitation to go to the movies last weekend, and he turned downed my invitation for last night. He's just busy, I realize that, a lot of things are going on in his life. But that's exactly the point: I don't fit in his life. It would have been different if things had just cooled down on their own, slowly, eventually, without us consciously noticing. Once I had at least had a chance with him. Instead, he took a radical decision, it was a drastic change and I was left with the burden of trying to reacommodate my feelings to fit the situation. It's very unfair. And there's no way to repair that...I don't really know what "fair" would be, but I think it'd be nice to have him far away from me. For an indefinite time, if not forever.
Today at noon I met up with my friend Sulley for lunch (it was on her, for my birthday, yay!). The first thing she asks me after our hellos is that if I'm dating JC. It wasn't painful for me to explain what happened, although I gave her a light version, there was no need to go into detail. And when I was done, I got the phrase everyone tells me after I tell that story: "what a jerk!".
So it would be great if I wrote him a last e-mail, right? Get things off my chest, the real things I want to say. I have to remember CR's words, that thing about traveling light in life. I need to get rid of this burden because it's holding me back. I can't keep waiting around, it's a waste of time. He used to get me through the day. Very few things do that nowadays, even though my life is pretty enjoyable and filled with appreciation from friends. I'd like to know if I'm deciding to cut him off because I'm being an extremist, "you're either with me like this or you're not with me at all". But hey, if that's the case, that means I'm kind of in love with him and I'm acknowledging that we don't want the same thing so we're parting ways. So whatever it means, and whether it's right or wrong, it's time to think what is convenient for me.
You see, in a year and a half, Joseph, Art and JC have kicked my heart around, as I wondered what I did to deserve to be shrugged off like that. And I see they're better off without me; I'm not missed, I'm not object of sympathy nor empathy on their part. I'm really tired. I'm just so tired.
I want to end this on a relatively happy note: Lighthouse kissed me! In my dreams, yes, but it made me happy. My unconscious is rarely benevolent in this aspect, I rarely get to dream about, um, happy bonding with people who haven't harmed me (like when I dreamed Joseph kissed me and yet he was married). I'm long over my crush on Lighthouse, so it was a fun, no-strings-attached dream. He was my neighbor, I was in his bedroom looking at a collection of whatever he had. He walked up to me, poked me, I laughed and he pulled me toward him to kiss me. It was a nice kiss and I woke up in a good mood, haha. Maybe someone else would write this and end the paragraph with "FML" because is only getting love in his/her dreams. But fuck that! Lighthouse is good-looking and fun (not my type, though, I could never keep up with his partying lifestyle). I'll take what I can.
FUCK! I just realized, I can't severe my ties with JC yet...he has some of my Beatles CDs. Dammit.
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