Tuesday, 01.26.10 - 11:15 pm.
I suppose last night or this morning would have been the time to write. I got into a huge crisis, I hadn't had one of those in years. I'm a bit calmer now but I continue feeling that way.
Last night I started to feel sad, you know. Sad, very sad. Lonely. It espiraled down throughout the night and to make it short, I went to bed at 11 pm wanting to die. REALLY not wanting to live anymore. I felt annoyed, depressed, physically exhausted, tearful, empty. I don't even know how to portray it, it was just awful.
The morning didn't improve things. I was particularly angry at/depressed by my job as a secretary and I made serious mistakes. All because I wasn't paying attention. By noon, when I left, everything was resolved but I'd caused two of my bosses a lot of distress and they saw me pissed off. I just didn't want to be there. I hate a lot of things from the offfice and I don't want to do that anymore. I hang on to the fact that it's part-time and the free time makes up for the annoyance and lack of self-realization. But this morning was, simply put, a terrible, terrible morning.
A few things contributed to my nasty mood:
1- My parents got back from Houston last night and I inmediately felt the difference...more voices and more stuff around the house, more questions, more limits (my dad monopolizes the TV in the early morning, at noon and at night, for example). My freedom so far dissapeared. I fell asleep for an hour before they came home at 10 pm so obviously I had quite a face when they arrived. Then my dad kept asking what was wrong and why I was falling asleep so early. Because I wanted to, ok?! Because I was exhaused and already in a bad mood. And it's not bad that he asks, it's bad that he keeps doing the same remark over and over. It sucks having to be giving explanations. It sucks to hear "you'll be back early, right?" every time I'm out the door. Jesus!
2. I was thinking of JC and that Joseph's first wedding anniversary is next week. I carry a terrible weight regarding the boys that have broken my heart. It's like I never really get over it, even though I do go on with my life and I make the best out of it. The wound never dissapears and I can start crying if I allow myself to think too much. It makes me really angry how things have turned out, how my heart gets stomped on, and my way of being angry is being depressed.
3. I'm tired. Physically tired. I have not a fucking clue why I can't wake up in the morning and feel rested, if I sleep 7 to 8 hours without interruption and without nightmares. I'm starting to feel that not only boys in my life betray me, my own body is betraying me too. Is it not fed well? Right now I have a headache, although I understand that from the day I've had.
I'm so emotional right now, although my cognitions are keeping me from falling into more irrationality. They're calming me down a bit, but I'm starting to think again that there's something wrong with me. Right now I'm angry at myself because I feel I'm not describing properly what I'm going through.
This is something I've been wanting to write in this diary for a while: lack of motivation. That's what I'm going through. My days are empty. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and all the possibilities ahead but nothing is really going on. I'm discouraged by the scholarship applications, I wake up tired every morning and I'm tired 24 hours a day; my way of getting through the day is giving myself tasks. I can't get no satisfaction. I don't feel gratifications at all. I don't see anything of what I want certain for my future nor I get the feeling that my efforts will pay off.
Today I went out with a guy that is interested in me. He sends me "have a nice lunch" messages everyday, which frankly is getting old and annoying. He's been inviting me out for weeks. So we went out for dinner, he insisted on paying for it because it was my birthday and gave me a christmas/birthday present.
I keep getting my heartbreakers' point of view shoved right into my face, you know. This guy gave me a blue Converse All-Star shoe key-chain, a pair of earrings, a bag of M&Ms, two candy canes and a piece of paper with a well-drawn comic about me, Steven Tyler and the White Stripes. And the very first thing I could think of was: "this is probably how uncomfortable JC felt when I gave him all those christmas presents and all he wanted to do was break up with me". I'm very thankful for the gifts and the underlying feeling but I can't reciprocate to this guy. He does nothing for me but make me sad.
Fuck you, whoever insists on shoving me the heartbreaker's point of view!!! Do you shove in Joseph's face what a hurtful, thoughtless asshole he was to me when he paraded his brand new relationship in front of me?! Do you shove in JC's face the inmense stupidity that it was giving me the highest hopes just to then make me feel like crap? I don't think so. They're out and about, free of all charges. I know life isn't supposed to be fair but when the fuck am I gonna get some validation?!
Oh, hey, today JC texted me telling me he was neck-deep in his thesis and asking what was the name of mine. Since he asked a question, I replied, but I wasn't thrilled. In the afternoon he sent me another text. At night it clicked, "he sent me two text messages today, it must mean something, OMG!". But I got over that fantasy quickly. He had texted me days ago saying we should get together this week to play Pictionary again, but I found it so vague that I didn't reply. When you want to get together, Mr Busy Pants (haha), tell me a date and time. Screw the "let's", I want to hear your proposal. But you don't have any. You got over me and know you're just being nice. You don't have to.
So perhaps I'm just deeply angry at many things but I can't get angry on the outside so I just get depressed. And perhaps my body is being consumed by this anger and thus I'm exhaused. So exhausted that my period is late. And I'm too tired to go on with this entry, although I don't think I'm doing any justice to my current state. You see, my life is pretty good but I feel miserable at the moment. I'm going through my very private hell of unleashed emotions.
I'm sorry for sounding too whiny. I'll try to keep in mind that saying, "this too shall pass".
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