I look sad but in reality I'm angry.
Wednesday, 01.27.10 - 11:05 pm.

The whole week I was planning on calling today Lighthouse and ask him out. I didn't. A lot of things happened today and I was tired. And also, I'm pretty sure he has plenty of friends to take him out if needed. But mostly, I was tired.

I met up with my friend from school, Carmen, for lunch. Ugh, that's also the name of Joseph's wife but let's ignore that, alright? I hadn't seen Carmen...what, in years? Funny. It didn't seem that long. We ate pizza and we hung out for most of the afternoon...we went to the mall to run some errands with my Nephew #2, and since Carmen was carrying her PS3, she took it out and my Nephew had a blast.

Then I left to go see my patient. I see him on saturdays but he called me to reeschedule. I arrived to the clinic an hour earlier so I could take a nap. I really wanted to take a nap in the afternoon but it was impossible, as I had to be a good hostess to Carmen.

Today I've been a little better than yesterday. V sent me an awesome note about my feelings, I think she's on her way to become a great therapist. Cognitive-Behaviorist Therapy vein FTW:

I think you being angry is A) a good thing because you're processing in a different area than you have before and B) a sign that you feel like your rights have been violated, yet is manifesting as depression because that's generally more socially acceptable.

So my point is: BE ANGRY, DAMMIT. Anger should be a perfectly acceptable emotion when it is moving you toward mental health. You have every right to be angry at JC AND Joseph. Both of them did really mean things to you, and you're right, they're just getting away with it. So be pissed. Live in that emotion until it doesn't help anymore. Don't be angry at the expense of work and relationships, but allow yourself to feel and process it.

Now I know I'm angry, although I continue to act like I'm depressed, or at least slightly disthymic (I'm not, of course, not clinically). I try to stay positive and I've been able to maintain my emotional balance a little. In fact, I was reading my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook and precisely, the first chapters are about emotions, including anger.

Saying I'm angry, even if I look sad, it's pretty neat, I think. I'm embracing the fact that somebody did violate my trust: Joseph, Art, JC. I'm not to blame, they hurt me badly. But the thing about anger with me is that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid because when I feel angry, I feel impotent. So I'm angry at Joseph, what can I do about it? Nothing. He's gone, vanished from my life. If he still lives in his parents' house, just four minutes away from me by car, I could go and throw rotten eggs at his porch, eh? It sounds appealing, I assure you, but it doesn't help matters, it doesn't fix me (and I think I would start shaking and crying when I turned left past the light to drive into his street).

I've had a slight headache for most of the day and since last night, but it's just my silly migraine. I remain exhausted and I'm just trying to get through today and tomorrow, that seem to be endless and without room to breathe. Tomorrow I have work, drum lessons and the stupid board of directors meeting, which is something that without a doubt pisses me off. I'll have to go back to the office after my lessons, get food, sit silently in a corner and type everything they say because the idiotic secretary doesn't do a damned thing. And get out at 8:30 pm. That meeting alone makes me want to quit.

Argh, but it's no use getting bitter. I should go get some rest and keep struggling tomorrow. I'm not very optimistic, though...I wrote to the Fulbright guys asking about the scholarship and they never replied; I wrote Mr PhD, the head of the psych departament at my university, to request a reccomendation letter and he never replied. This means even more efforts, like going to their offices and finding alternatives. Yay. But I feel like crying.

I'm so tired of trying. With boys. With scholarships. It's the same shit: I like what they offer, I apply, they reject me. But I suppose it's better being tired of trying than being tired of, well, not trying.

I am so, so frustrated.

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