Monday, 02.01.10 - 8:16 pm.
Since last night, I've been shaken and in anguish. As I predicted, Lighthouse didn't show up for dinner. But I didn't mind much, I know his promises are bullshit. I got a hold of CR, though, so he and I went for dinner at a typical food restaurant.
Since we were alone, I was more comfortable to talk about Joseph. I'd avoided the subject for months but I was more and more inclined to bring it up. And it's because I talked a lot about him that I'm shaked and in anguish. I didn't quite talked about him in the beggining, it was mostly vague references to "him", and CR would say things that I'll report later on this entry. Lighthouse ended up showing up at the restaurant. He and I were alone for a while when CR got up to the restroom. Awkward silence...I didn't know what to talk about with him. He asked me randomly if I liked a certain fruit and we started to talk about eating fruits until CR got back. Needless to say, the supposed attraction I felt on friday night was nowhere to be found. But meh, I don't care.
They wanted some weed so it was around 9 pm when we drove to some guy's house. It's the typical heavy man with tattoos that lives with his mother and sister. But then I realized, by the smooches he was getting, that whom I thought was his sister was probably his girlfriend or wife. Another man showed up, too. I enjoyed the conversation, although I didn't speak much, as usual. I saw them prepare the joint and pass it on. I left at 10:30 and I gave CR a ride.
We'd been mentioning Joseph here and there, and finally I bursted and started to talk openly about how I felt. So the whole way to his house, and then some 30 minutes parked outside the apartament building he lives in, we talked about him.
Everything I said about him is in this diary, in one entry or another, so it's no use mentioning it again. When I was taking CR home, I had to drive near Joseph's house and I felt like throwing up. I asked CR if he still lived there, he said he didn't know. Then I explained CR how and why, after over a year, I still feel shattered, angry, ashamed and hurt.
I think I talked with this fantasy at the back of my mind, like he'd tell Joseph everything I was saying. Even worse, that I was talking to Joseph, a happily married Joseph. CR insists that being married is another thing. I can't tell you the details because he's my friend also, but if I told you...if only you knew. I didn't want to hear it.
CR says that every time he sees Joseph, the first question he asks is about me. I felt a little relieved but then again, CR doesn't even know if Joseph still lives in his parents' house, so I don't think he has spoken to him in a while.
CR was very, very, verrry surprised about my honesty. He didn't think I was so "sensitive", he didn't think I was still so affected by all this, because you've hidden it very well, you're so strong and you've done such a wonderful job moving on. Fuck you, cognitive-behavioral approach! It hurts, it really hurts. It hurts and I'm angry and I'm desperate and I'm still in pain!
I told CR Joseph is dead to me. Aaww, don't say that, he replied, but then he caught my drift. I think of him in the same terms he thinks of Fer (who was braindead almost a year ago today). And I said, I don't want to see his face or speak to him again, and I'll certainly lead a happier life if I don't have to see his wife's face, and especially his child's face.
CR tried to soothe me, validated my feelings, told me Joseph has what he deserves...I don't think CR means it as good or bad, or at least I can't make out what he really means by that. He says (and said it several times) that being married is a whole different thing, living with someone is something else, and that I have no idea what's been going on. He says that Joseph still appreciates me and respects me so much.
I find that hard to believe. It's nice to hear it but I can't swallow that pill entirely. I endured Joseph's "love story" shoved in my face, to the point of knowing the date of his anniversaries with her. Joseph hurt me a lot and I can't recover from that entirely. I know I failed, I failed so much. And if Joseph listed my failures, I wouldn't fight them. I know them. I'd agree with him. But then I'd ask, what do you want me to do about it now, Joseph? Do you want me to apologize? Well, I'm fucking sorry, I really am. Do you want me to change? I HAVE changed, as much as it's been in my hands. What else do you want me to do that can be done, huh?
I mentioned CR how Joseph got mad at me when I got the tattoo, because I didn't tell him. He replied that it was because he probably would have loved to see me do that when he was with me. Then he said that Joseph still complains about me (again, I don't think they've met recently, so it could be that Joseph is over that by now). This is a battle of hurt egoes...your ego is hurt, Joseph's ego is hurt and his ego is HUGE, CR said. But, I replied to him, he's the winner in all this, anyway! He's the one who got a brand-new, upgraded replacement for me, and so fucking quickly...in fact, he already had her living in his fucking house before he discarded me. He has everything he wanted. I understand we hurt each other in very subtle but disturbing ways, and for me he's an on-going battle. But he's the winner here.
In the morning I woke up relieved, after talking about it with CR. Especially because I set the record straight. I am not ok. I don't think I'll ever be in this regard. As I've read somewhere and I've repeated it here, you don't get over some things, you learn to live wth them. CR was very, very kind to me, and he kept telling me "you are who you are", meaning I did what I could while I was with him, and that now I have better chances to find someone who will take me as I am.
While I'm also relieved by our conversation, I'm also in a lot of anguish; I feel it in my stomach. I've been arguing with him all day in my head. Making up speeches, taking my part of the blame without denying that the hurt inmensely. And every time my fantasy becomes too real and I hear his voice, my eyes get teary. God, his voice.
And this anger has also fallen on JC. If the world thinks I'm ok, he must think the same too. I thought about writing him, just to tell him I'm not ok, to please give me back my Beatles CDs through our friend Monica, and to not contact me again, please. But I don't know...it's kind of harsh, huh? I don't know what to do about him. But I did erase the FB album that I once planned would be for him and our things together...I moved some of the pictures to other albums, though. That would ressemble the rearranging that's going on in my brain regarding him, I suppose.
(He just called me. I just let the phone ring and ring...the ringtone is "fell in love with a girl", a song I adore, so I always appreciate being able to listen to it. Ah, yes: my left brain knows that all love is fleeting).
Other happenings:
1. My job interview was ok. The principal, a nice lady, just discussed the results of my psychological tests. I didn't agree with some of them, actually. She was a bit preachy at times but I liked her and if I get the job, I'll take it without hesitation.
2. I came home after the interview and having coffe with my friend Mo and her baby Val, to find policemen and yellow tape in front of my house. I felt like I fell into a bottomless pit. They wouldn't let me past the tape so I called home. Something had happened in the neighbor's house.
Turns out these guys that were renting the house (luckily it wasn't any of my neighbors; they've been friends of my family since both families moved in here in the 70s), very violent people, were drinking and were armed and killed someone, a taxi driver, and dropped the body off a mile away or something. It's a very amateur-ish crime, even I can tell you that. I did hear gunshots a couple of nights while my parents were still in Houston. Ugh, so nasty.
Anyway.
Dear Joseph: you're pretty much the best person that has happened to me, ever. I'm sorry for failing you and you have my never-ending love and grattitude. But fuck you. Seriously, fuck you!
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