Thursday, 02.04.10 - 11:24 am.
Yesterday I went out with my friend Monica. She's in her 4th year of psychology and is a very unique woman. She paints, writes and sings. I came close to her thanks to JC but now we're developing a friendship on our own. She's smart and very strong, and has gone through many things in her life. I suppose that's how my niece would be, if she manages to be less bitchy and more focused (speaking of her, she's still in a boarding school in Montana...I mailed her a birthday card today, she turns 16 by the end of February).
Anyway, I went to pick her up at her caf� at 4:30 and we went to this cute little juice place. We talked for three hours straight, about university and boys. To talk about her life, I would have to create a new diary and unfortunately that's not possible. But she had interesting, inspiring, heartbreaking stories. I suppose that's how a real artist lives her life, away from all molds of society. There's a high price to pay for that, of course, especially if you're a woman; you have a lot of expectations to meet.
I suspected she'd ask me about JC, but the moment she did it, she caught me off guard. She knows what went on: how he fell for me and how his feelings suddenly went away. He told her all that. She told me of some conversations she had with him on the subject. Her conclusion is that he simply is a child. He was too immature to deal with someone like me. She says this because of some things he said, about our age difference (two years...God forbid cougars) and something like why would I go after him, if my taste in men is so sofisticated, given that I like artists (Joe, Lighthouse) and deviants (Joseph), and he wasn't any of that. That upset me even more. I didn't go "after him", he was the one who came in touch with me in the first place. As for not being my type of guy, he was above all of the aforementioned. The way he carried out the Psychology Festival, his knowledge, his sense of humor...I couldn't have asked for anything else in a guy.
Now I can't help feeling I was too much for him...not *better* than him, just too much. CR says I'm intimidating. Angie says I scared Joseph away, that he realized he was not good enough for me. And then Monica says these things, JC couldn't handle me. In that case, though, it's his problem, not mine. He was too immature to read his own feelings, to realize I was not what he wanted. The one who, albeit unwillingly, used me as a distraction and as a way to release tension and pasion. And then he was gone. They love you for who you are and then they reject for the same reason.
I've always been a lonely person. A lonely girl, a lonely woman. Lately I've been coming to terms with that fact; the road ahead, particularly when it comes to studying abroad, is a lonesome road. I'll say it again: I cannot settle for someone less than extraordinary. I don't think I'm extraordinary myself, but I know I'm different from the average girl in some aspects. But then, when the extraordinary comes along, it turns out he doesn't want me back. I can't change myself to fit somebody else, either, I wouldn't even know how to. So the price to pay for being the way I am is being alone. I'll deal with it, I guess.
Talking to Monica was very fulfilling. We're still getting to know each other but I love her already. We may go out on friday night and go see my tattoo artist on saturday afternoon. She wants a tattoo. I want another one, but I can't decide...I want it some place where I have control of showing it or not, and aside from the back, I can't think of an alternative. My ankles show when I put on my robe and walk out of the bathroom and my parents may see it. I don't want them to because they'd be really stressed about it and I don't want to cause them any suffering. Maybe I can get some ideas with the tattoo guy. I want the words "veni, vidi, vici". I suppose I need marks on my body to remind me to be strong, as I'm too damn weak sometimes.
I almost cried when Monica told me that breaking up with her current boyfriend (been dating for over two years) would be like losing her home. I know how she feels. I lost my home when Joseph broke up with me. It was like going into exile to never return. I want a guy that I feel safe with, a guy whose heart I could nest in and suck his blood dry. Ok, not the bloodsucking part. But...being with Joseph, and then being with JC, it was like coming home. My happy place.
I cried a little before I went to bed. I've been wanting to but the tears won't come out. Finally I painted the clear image of a painful memory from the days after Joseph broke up with me and there was flow for a while. I added some memories of JC, too. He had called me a little earlier, by the way. It was 10:20 pm and I had just deleted another one of his text messages from my phone (some are so cool/sweet, I still don't have the heart to delete them). I let it ring. I felt bad for not answering, I thought it was kind of rude of me, but what would I say? "Oh, hey, man!". I can't pretend joy anymore. He thinks I'm fine and it's my fault for giving that impression. I'm not ok. Let's leave it at that.
On a sour note, I dreamed that I went to my second Aerosmith concert. I was front row after sneaking in, but somebody interrupted the event to do some swimming on stage (I know, a pool onstage, WTF!), and the band got mad so they only came for a meet & greet. Tom Hamilton (bassist) gave me a kiss but he was absent-minded. A girl I'd just met (that's a subplot in the dream!) stood next to Steven Tyler, who looked mad as hell and wasn't saying anything. He just stood there and then left. To make matters worse, in the end my camera didn't take the pictures, so I couldn't even prove I'd seen my favorite band so closely. Such a frustrating dream. As frustrating many things in my waking life are right now.
But hey, drum lessons this afternoon. I feel good when I play the drums. The end.
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