Friday, 02.19.10 - 9:32 am.
As soon as I make up my mind, something happens and makes me doubtful again. It sucks because it had taken me quite a while to make up my mind. I had finally decided to stop asking around what I should do about JC and take the decision by myself.
I have very good friends who support me unconditionally but rarely tell me what to do. They make suggestions but note that either way, there are consequences and it's up to me what kind of consequences I'd rather deal with. Ultimately, no one but me can take responsibility on this one. So I should stop trying to find the answers in other people (although their contribution to my decision-making is greatly appreciated).
This in turn lead me to decide to write JC. Pour my heart out. Be honest with myself, admitting that I'm very hurt and I'm mad at him. That I hate picking up the pieces of a mess he created, that no one has dissapointed me like he has, that I hope he grows up and learns to read his own feelings before he hurts somebody else. Etc. It's not that I want to cut him off from my life per se but I also have nothing left to lose. I lost him in December and I can't get any of that back and there's nothing left to save, is there? He's not even a "friend", he's someone who rarely sends me bulletins on how he's doing with his thesis and gives me a vague "we should hang out soon". Not even that anymore.
I had a few things on my mind two nights ago, but the following morning I came to find an e-mail from him and my heart sank. I don't really know what I was feeling (it certainly wasn't anything positive), but seeing his name inmediately made me back off in my plan. He just wanted to tell me he is going to be participating in an experiment that involves rats and alcohol. He sounded excited and indeed it's a great opportunity (I'm sorry for the rats, though; I know it's all for science and psychology research but I am never entirely comfortable with animal testing). He ends telling me to let him know if I have any recommendations or material on operant conditioning.
Normally, I would have replied quickly with a "congratulations" and a few recommendations. But I didn't feel like it. As the day went by, I started to think this could be an opportunity to write him and tell him everything. I had already taken a huge step a few nights ago, deleting all of his lovely text messages from my phone. Surely I could take advantage of my reply. In fact, I started writing something last night.
And you know what? I felt hurt but I also felt bad because I thought my words would hurt him. Yes, yes: what the hell?! Honesty hurts and I was being honest about how, because of his immaturity, he ended up playing with my feelings. I was scared of sounding like I had a hurt ego but isn't my ego hurt? In spite of it, this morning I backed off again and now I don't know if I should write him all this.
I think I should, for the sake of me, but I'm aware that it will mean the end of whatever relationship we have left. Not because I'd ask him to leave me alone or whatever. If I know him a little bit, I believe he wouldn't be able to face me and continue like nothing happened. I put myself in his shoes: if I had done to a guy what JC did to me, and the guy told me what I want to tell JC, would I still feel like calling this guy and continue trying to remain friends? Um, no. I'd be too embarrassed by the way I hurt him.
So the best solution I can think of is still write him but tone down the message and keep it short. I don't want to hurt him because I don't want revenge. Sure, all this has been unfair for me, but there's nothing to do to fix that, nothing could make me feel like I got justice in the end. I just want to move on and be heartacheless regarding JC.
Of course, I'd ask him not to write back because I can't get and I don't want any comfort from him and I'm familiar with the only answer he can offer me: "I'm sorry". Writing him is difficult, dealing with the consequences may be even more difficult. And it looks worse if I don't do it. Whatever happens, I'll deal with it, yes? It's very painful but it won't kill me.