Wednesday, 03.10.10 - 11:39 am.
Joe came over to my house on monday night. I talked to him that afternoon to ask him about guitar strings and he offered to put new ones on both my guitars (electric and acoustic). He works next to my office and my office is ten minutes away from my house by foot.
He arrived at about 8 pm. While he did his thing with the guitars, we talked about random topics. We remembered when he was my guitar instructor, back in...2005, I think. He gave me a Ringo Starr LP and I "changed his life" when I lent him The Godfather; I remember that, he was obssesed with Michael Corleone. Good times. Awkward times, too. I was with Joseph and I liked Joe, and he liked me back and Joseph could tell. But meh...I just realized that I can say "nobody got hurt" in this and that's huge. I handled it nicely, Joe kept his distance and I don't regret sticking to Joseph.
And at least Joe is still my friend. I am over the sexual tension with him. I don't feel attracted to him anymore and I sense it's the same for him regarding me. At times I think if we were ever supposed to get together, considering how we felt and how we kept bumping into each other throughout the times, and how life has us working on the same street at the present moment...but if we were ever meant to be together, that time has passed. I'm glad to have such a talented friend like Joe, he's an awesome jazz musician.
***
JC finally replied to my e-mail. I had given up all hope, thinking I had scared him off. He said he could say what he thinks and feels about what I said and I could do the same and we could go on like that, but he prefered to focus on my question about how our relationship will be from now on.
He has a hard time believing we'll get together and have a good time as if nothing happened out of the blue, and he wants "successive approximations". He couldn't quite tell what that meant but certainly didn't mean calling me tonight and hanging out (*cough*making out) like we did in October, November, December '09. But he also said he wanted to know my opinion on this.
Well, that's kind of a silly request. I was feeling ready to see him and build a new friendship, trying to live with what happened as something that came and is gone for good, without forgetting, just putting it past behind us. I find very odd that we both insist on keeping the "friendship", in spite of the awkwardness and the hurt. I mean, I understand it from me, I'm dumb like that. JC, on the other hand, could have been like any other jerk and say "I'm sick of talking about this, I'm through with you". I noted some kind of tiredness in his last e-mail, but that's only understandable. We've talked about long enough. And I really appreciate that he was kind enough (or felt guilty enough) to let me vent.
My reply was that I didn't mean for us to start getting along all of a sudden, and I didn't expect things to get back to how they were before 2010 (even before we were crushing on each other and were just good friends). That I respected his need to take things slowly and that he could call me when he felt ready to meet up, I wasn't going to insist. And also, that he was right, that it was no use going over this subject over and over again.
Which means I will not talk about what happened between us with him ever again. I will not bring up the subject, even if I want him to know I'm not ok. For a moment I felt confident enough to write somewhere in my e-mail to him "I am not angry at you". And true, I'm not angry at him, but I'm still very hurt, dissapointed and I can't help feeling like he played with me and betrayed me, even if he didn't mean to do that. That weighs just as much as anger and thus, I'm not entirely in peace.
But I want to be. Most likely, I think it'll be with JC away from me. I get the feeling he is going to fade away. Maybe as severely as Joseph did (or rather, as I made him do, because it was me who told him to go eat shit in the end), maybe he'll be an occassional good, close-to-my-heart acquaintance like Joe is. But he's not going to be a close friend, I'm afraid.
I've been doing my best to move on, especially by playing guitar. But God, how do I suck! I'm getting blisters and slightly quicker with the fingers, but I really suck at it. Still, it's a distraction from all the things I'm waiting and pursuing and not yet are happening (i.e. job, scholarship), and from JC. But quite frankly, I'm getting sick of waiting. I'm sick of feeling stuck. This situation is getting old: I only have one pro-bono patient at my clinic, one professor has failed to write my reccomendation letter and so I can't submit the application for the best scholarship opportunity I have; I can't turn in another scholarship application until friday because they asked for stupid "original photocopies" and my university takes forever to seal one page, AND I can't shake entirely the discomfort and loneliness left by my past lovers.
I actively find opportunities and fill out applications and ask around but nothing is coming my way yet; I just see possibilities, and even though that gives me hope, still doesn't mean anyhing in concrete. And I'm sorry to throw this pity party, and I know I must not give up and keep positive because being negative is just one additional burden. But a signal of better times to come would be greatly appreciated at the moment.
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