Wednesday, 03.17,10 - 11:43 pm.
I went to my university yesterday, to attend a conference on the national history of neuropsychology. Yum. Victor2 and I are working on an article of the history of brain conceptions so you may understand the Little Nerd in us that drove us to attend.
The conference was by one of, if not THE most respected professor of my university, who, by the way, owes me a reference letter for a scholarship application. I approached him at the end and when I asked him about it, a long silence followed. Awkward. I hope he will have it ready at the end of this week, though. The deadline is next week. The rest of my application has been ready for about a month now.
Anyway. I didn't pay much attention to the conference because I noticed JC was at the other end of the auditorium. Sitting next to his ex-girlfriend. One has the tendency to rush to conclusions quickly, and of course it hit me a little hard. Actually, it was a blow in slow motion, because it took me a while to confirm that it was her. Then I silently freaked out and thought that if he was seeing her again, I should just delete all my means of communication with him.
Then I remembered that I'm a damn cognitive-behaviorist psychologist and I should know better than that. I used all the arguments I had from my experience with him and I trusted they were trying to make amends as friends. Also, their body language (my God, body language, how low can I go?) was saying they weren't very much into each other. Truthfully, they were just next to each other. But regardless of the context or justification of such eventuality, the image harmed me.
Still, working through my cognitions made me feel calmer and less judgemental. It was also great that he noticed me and at the end of the conference he came to say hi to me. I thought he'd leave after that but he stayed with me for a while and he told me the latest news on his thesis and whatever. I felt awkward and a little hurt for a while as I was talking to him, but I fought it the best I could. Then we said goodbye and he left. Alone, to the best of my knowledge. I really appreciated that he came up to me. It's just that, in the end, unreciprocated feelings are a headache.
Today I went to my university again, to attend a teleconference (it's Brain Week, you know). I was in second row but at some point I noticed JC sitting a few rows away. I also noticed when he got up and left and I felt sorry because I wouldn't get to say hi. The whole conference, although I was paying attention, I recalled our times together and fantasized about sitting next to him. But in reality, that'd have been worse.
I left shortly after he did, it was only the Q&A section left. I sort of looked around when I got out of the auditorium, in case JC was around. He wasn't, but I did run into him on my way to a building where a friend was waiting for me.
JC was with his ex-girlfriend, again.
He gave me a quick hello and asked if I was leaving. I said "no" and he didn't say anything. Then why do you ask, sucker? I could've acknowledge his ex's presence by nodding or smiling, or I could've waved at the common friend JC was talking to when he noticed me. But when I see him, the rest of the world dissapears. I was disoriented.
I continued my journey to the building. When I entered it and reached the second floor, I looked out the window, just to see JC walking with his ex-girlfriend. They were not hand in hand or anything, but just seeing them together two days in a row is enough to make my stomach revolt and give me a bad feeling. I was going to stay in campus much longer but I considered that would just prolong my agony of seeing them/not seeing them.
Having two guys that I fell in love with dump me and then date an old flame is too much and has my heart in shambles. In the eventuality that JC gets back together with her, he's out of my life, the way Joseph is, and I'll give back to JC some of the stuff he gave me. Too many wounds, man. And I know I don't have proof that they're dating again, but seeing them the way I saw them, not one but two days, it's so suspicious. And painful.
I try to be not so afflicted. After all, everything I could do to control my environment, romantic-wise, I did it. Yesterday I was thinking, well, JC could have pretended he didn't see me and pass me by; instead, he came and said hello...and that may be, at least partly, because we talked and I told him we could be friends. The rest is out of my hands.
Rest assured that I will be crying tonight. I'll walk to work tomorrow, hoping I won't become another statistic of apparently random murders [paranoid mode: ON]...I just need to walk this off. I also need to remember JC is gone, and soon he will be as gone as Joseph is from my life. I've been left alone again. I feel the need to ask if/when I am going to get some justice for all this heartbreak, if/when I am to find someone who takes me seriously. Won't happen this week, though, that's for sure. Thus, no use asking rethorical questions.