He's a goal I'll never reach but it builds character.
Sunday, 03.21.10 - 8:29 pm.

Last night I had a great time. Lighthouse called me to invite to come over to his house, along with CR. I was overjoyed. I don't know why I'm crushing on him again. As my friend Victor1 said, my mind isn't asking for him, but the rest of me is. I don't *lust* after him, though, I just think he's a bit handsome and cool.

I picked up CR at a gas station and we arrived to Lighthouse's house. We found him and another guy, Douglas, smoking off an apple and eating candy at a table in the backyard. Then the four of us were at the table and I figured this moment ressembled That 70's Show, when they're smoking and talking crazy stuff. I didn't smoke, but I played with a spider that kept shooting spiderweb and it was like having a yo-yo. And Douglas played the Mario Bros theme for me on the accordion.

Lighthouse had the house for himself last night, but he had to leave for a while because he had to go give a birthday present to a girl friend of his (something told me it was a love interest, but who knows); he said he'd be back in an hour or so. CR, Douglas and I went to a supermarket nearby, to buy beer...I bought chocolate milk, kthnx. And we returned to Lighthouse's house and since he'd given us the key, we hung out as we waited for him.

Douglas is a rather nice guy, I assume he's past his 30s. I've met him a couple of times before. I can tell he really likes me, he said I was very sweet and artsy and I made him laugh out loud a couple of times. What I thought was beer was actually some kind of Cuba Libre, and they gave me a glass. I liked the taste, I must admit.

When Lighthouse came back, almost an hour and a half later, we saw The Royal Tenenbaums, it was a great movie. Then I left because it was almost midnight. Lighthouse and I had a little [friendly] argument over who'd give CR a ride home. I was going to take him but we had to run. Lighthouse insisted it was ok, he could take him. In the end, I left alone.

I said goodbye to the three boys. Then CR had a moment in which he couldn't decided whether to come with me or go with Lighthouse. When we settled the dilemma, Lighthouse walked to my side of the car and asked me to roll down the window, so we could kiss goodbye (on the cheek, as custommary). Let it be known, we had already kissed goodbye.

And let it be known, this had me, as I'm prone to say in these situations, giggling like a schoolgirl all the way back to my house. I fell asleep thinking of him and a voice deep down in me said: he will be mine. Oh, yes, he will be mine.

But it's just wishful thinking. Even though I can imagine it, I don't see it happening for real. We're too different, we don't talk much, we've never gone out just the two of us and doubt we will. More importantly: he's not really into me. I have noticed he gets all sweet toward me sometimes, but I tend to think it's just because I'm a girl. Last night, he asked me for my friend Monica and I answered; my answer was too long and/or uninteresting, because then he started talking about something else. I know, it's rude, but for what I know about him, he didn't do it on purpose. He is like that.

Also, last night he told me maybe we could get together tonight for dinner. I thought about it all day today. I went out in the afternoon with a couple of good friends and started to wonder if he was going to call me. I wasn't holding my breath. I was at Monica's boyfriend's coffeehouse from 3 to 7 with these friends, and as time went by, I knew I wouldn't get the call from Lighthouse. I texted him to ask him. Never heard from him. Again, he's like that.

So why do I keep having these fantasies of getting together with him, if I'm not strongly attracted to him, if I realize he's not interested in me, if I know we struggle to maintain a conversation?

Maybe I'm just trying to fill the void. Lately I've tried harder to let go of JC, of my ideas, my hopes, my image of him. And that of course has left me empty and hurting. I still think of Joseph everyday but it's rarely harmful and I try not to pay attention to my thoughts and I get distracted quickly. I think I'd make a damn good girlfriend and I wish for a partner to bond and do cool stuff with. And the only person within my reach that fits the profile to fill that longing, even if it's just by providing a face to my daydreaming, is Lighthouse.

I'll try my luck again next weekend, I suppose. Just for kicks.

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