I finally decide and then he appears and messes my plans.
Tuesday, 03.23.10 - 10:53 pm.

I dreamed of Lighthouse last night. It was quite curious. To make a long dream short, it seemed like he wanted and didn't want to get together with me. My sentiments exactly, in my waking life. I consider him a past time of my fantasies more than anything else, though, so for a dream, it was ok.

JC, on the other hand, is the most inmediate reason of why I frown so often. Yesterday I missed him a lot. Today I decided I won't wish him a happy birthday when his birthday comes (in May, for Christ's sake...I'm thinking way ahead). Instead, I shall work on deleting all of my means of communicating with him.

I have been told by three different people that being his "friend" is no good for me. Victor1 told me. Valerie told me. Victoria told me. Friends whose name starts with the letter V give me good advice, it seems. Anyway...I know I shouldn't. My heart tells me I shouldn't, because that thing of "being friends" is a lie. This silence, this distance between us, that is not a friendship. And it can't be any other way either, because his stupid emotional inestability brought us where we are, and I like him and he rejected me after building my hopes up so much, and all that is just fucking awkward.

But get this: today, when I had made up my mind on this, he textes me. He textes me and asks me to go for coffee on sunday. And I feel ok. I toss my heart aside and my brain puts me at ease, "you have to let go of the anger, the hopes, the pain...let this all go. He's no Joseph. JC is a dumb kid, but a nice one nonetheless. He didn't mean to hurt you. Forgive him". For a moment I let go, and I feel ok about him. In fact, I text and confirm I'm free on sunday. I feel lighter, free of the burden that is my resentment towards him. We can get along. We can be good acquaintances.

It doesn't last, though. I go back to fighting with my image of him in my head, like I fight with Joseph's image. Just seeing his name when Facebook tells me he's friends with Whoever makes a knot in my stomach. And I'm aware of these changes in my feelings. When I'm in touch with him, I feel genuinely ok and forgiving and recovered. But see, I'm rarely, say, never in touch with him, so most of the times I feel the opposite of all that.

I kind of like the idea of deleting him. It would be quite a statement when he discovered he's off my contacts/friend lists, and maybe that way he would learn to think twice in the future about getting thoughtlessly involved with someone. So while I'm a bit excited by the possibility of meeting with him, I have to keep my head cold.

This is particularly difficult when my cognitions run out of control. Suddenly, I started to think about our possible encounter and imagine the extremes: (a) that he wants to ask me to give him a second a chance; (b) that he wants to come clean and inform me that he is indeed getting back with his ex. Out of both, I see (b) happening; (a) is just the naive in me. And then I tell myself, it's none of those options. Most likely: we'll talk shit, I'll get secretely desperate because he doesn't look at me the way I want him to, we'll say goodbye, and he won't talk to me for a long while after that. I should take that long while as the opportunity to delete him.

Argh.

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