A day at the beach that ends with a logical decision.
Monday, 03.29.10 - 9:18 pm.

The trip to the beach was so, so great! In the end it was just Victor1, Victoria and me. We arrived to the ranch after running long food-related errands, at about 10 am. The place is so classy and the man that takes care of it had everything ready for us. I couldn't thank him enough. And I just called my uncle to thank him, too.

Let it be known that it was relaxing and fun. We ate a lot, we talked a lot, mostly about relationships, in general and in our experiences; we laughed out loud, swam in the pool, stood in the sand (the sea was a bit wild), fell asleep in hammocks, listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

But still JC took up most of my energy. I can't fill enough entries explaining all of the debates I have had in my head, and all of the "definite course of action" I always promise myself I have chosen.

Of course, during our conversations, I had the chance to talk about both Joseph and JC. JC mostly, because both Victor1 and Victoria are aware of my constant hurt and conflict. They listened to me, offered me advice, understood it's not easy to reach a decision, given my emotional investment in him and, as Victoria says, my "big heart".

To remain friends or not to remain friends? It's such a simple answer. From both sides! To me it's easy to see and feel why I should remain friends with him. It's easy to see why I shouldn't. While my two friends napped on hammocks gently rocked by the wind from the ocean, I neurotically drew flowcharts (I associated them with Valerie) on both decisions. And each decision had another double-situation: he either got back together with his ex or didn't. Although I'm convinced he will.

I stuck to something Victor1 told me: give myself time. In the morning I had chosen to stop talking to him. In the afternoon, I felt strong enough to carry on and even give him a call this week to see if he's free too hang out. He said I should follow my instinct and if I want to call him, then I should.

Ah, wait, you don't know this: last night at 11 pm I texted him asking him if he could/wanted to come with us to the beach. He inmediately replied, I was playing soccer tonight. I just got your message about the beach...have tons of fun!. It's pretty self-explanatory, although I give him the benefit of the doubt on his supposed belief that I sent it much earlier and it reached him much later. I gave in to inviting him because my friend Victor1 encourages me to face reality and actually do something when my thoughts and "want's" are all over the place. He warns me of the negative outcomes but he says it's better to try, *if* I want to. And what do you know, I want to. That's why I keep banging my head against the door over and over.

Of course, after getting his replied I felt so ashamed of texting him and asking him such thing, that I cried. And I didn't sleep well because I kept fighting with him in my head. Constantly I used relaxation techniques and I kept picturing myself in a bubble that could not be penetrated by thoughts of any kind...it was just me and my breathing. It may sound silly but it worked. Then I'd wake up again and fight some more.

Morning came. The beach trip happened, and while JC plagued the back of my mind, I had so much fun and I am so thankful for this day.

I came home, saw the pictures (they're always my treasured souvenirs). I logged on to catch up and found he had updated his status: "JC-so-and-so and the-name-of-his-ex invite you to..."...leave random comments, in a nutshell. Whatever they invite to is not relevant. Their names. They're back together.

And so tonight I will start gathering stuff he gave me, to give it back to him through my friend Monica. After a couple of days today, I will delete him off FB. I will not call him to hang out during the week as we had agreed, and I will ask him to give me back some CDs of mine he has. And, the end.

I'm not *that* hurt by them getting together. I saw it coming, I wish them the best and I think they make a great couple. But enduring JC pulling a Joseph, parading his "new" relationship with an old flame; enduring having been nothing but a rebound; enduring once again seeing amazing expectations getting shattered by the same guy that made me build them (think The Guy, D.)...thanks, I'll pass.

And I'll forget all those e-mails I feel like writing him to let him know how I feel and why I'm going away. I'll do it silently. I'm finally in a state of such pain and shame that I only care to run away and protect what's left of my heart.

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