Thursday, 04.01.10 - 11:26 am.
As a follow-up to my last entry, here's my plan to run away from JC. This is a very slow process so I take it one little step at a time. It's still unclear if I'll be able to carry out in its entirety like I want to, but I'm not turning back now.
- I gathered the most important stuff he gave me over the course of our short but intense relationship. I'll return him the drumsticks, the helmet, a ceramic cat he gave me for our trip to the cabin, and the SNES Starfox game. I had to take a picture of the last two. The game I can get it again at a flea market...the cat was a bit more especial and sweet-looking. Other things, like posters, cards and photos, will be kept because it's not that I want to erase my memories of JC or deny we once had an amazing relationship. But these other things are part of the price I seemed to have paid for being his rebound. They're not worth it. They're toxic to me and I don't want them around anymore. Everything is in a bag in my closet right now.
- I got new drumsticks. Since I'm going to return to JC the ones he gave me (they were a gift, I know), I needed new ones. I went to two music stores looking for 7A sticks. I put duct tape around them, just like JC's drumsticks. It was a small but very reaffirming step, "I don't need you or your stuff". I think it happened what happened with Joseph: I liked that Joseph had tattoos so I got my own; I liked JC's drumsticks, so I had mine to ressemble his.
- I asked my friend Monica to meet with him as soon as possible, when she returns from her hometown today. She'd ask him to take my four CDs and the journal I wrote in my university years and as soon as she has them in her hands, she'd hand him the stuff I mentioned above. Monica is very supportive of me, as she always has been, and agreed to be the bridge, and also encouraged me to severe my ties with JC (as all of my friends have, at one point or another).
- I talked to Victor1 about this. He was all for it, except he suggested I was the one to meet with him and give him back his stuff. It requires less logistics and justifications, and it's less suspicious (why whould Monica ask JC for my Beatles CDs?). I am brave enough to face him, and as it turns out, I want to. Just this one time. This is the fundamental step and the one I'm patiently trying to make it happen.
- In order to make it happen, I texted him last night asking him for my CDs (I need to rebuild my music library anyway) and my journal ("Victoria wants to read it again"), and added we could take the opportunity to have coffee or something. He hasn't replied. I am exercising my patient and rational cognitions, steering clear from ellaborating scenes in my mind. I do have a few words if JC asks why I'm giving his stuff back, but I mention them as bulletpoints and distract myself with something else. I also tell myself that there's nothing to be scared of about that moment, because I'm just being honest and trying to regain some of my dignity.
- Once I have returned his things, I will get him off my Facebook contacts. I want to do it NOW but if he realizes that before we meet, my plan may be ruined because I'm trying to keep the drama close to non-existent. But it has to be soon. It makes me sick just to remember his last status update with the name of his girl, saying something about how randomness is good for the brain. Last entry I said the message wasn't relevant, but later I remembered that his status refers to a scientific article I shared with him...about how randomness is good for your brain. Also, I know his birthday is next month and he'll graduate in October. I'll congratulate him silently. And he can do without me in his life, too. Look at Joseph, his life even improved after he kicked me out of it.
- JC texted me two days ago, asking how my trip to the beach went and saying he was getting sick. He always does that, unknowingly...many times I reached a decision of getting away from him and then he does something and I change my mind. I sent him a friendly reply. And I hesitated in my decision. But not for long. My plan carries on.
So wish me luck. I'm very ambivalent towards JC; I would love to maintain a friendship because he's a great, smart, funny person, but I'm too hurt by and dissapointed in him. And the fact that he changed his mind within days and crushed the expectations he made me build for nearly three months, and that on top of it he has somebody else from his past that has now what he offered to me (all that is called "pulling a Joseph"), is way, way too much for me to handle. I'm tired of being in situations that make me feel like I'm worthless.
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