To heal a broken heart, go explore the world.
Monday, 04.05.10 - 4:10 pm.

I spent yesterday morning working on a short story that from every angle spells out "Joseph". It's been very cathartic and healing, though, and I made a lot of progress with it. At the same time, I was haunted by the images of his wedding and all of the ideas associated with them. So painful, man.

Luckily, I was able to get a hold of CR and we agreed on going out in the afternoon. While I waited for him at a tiny mall, at about 2:30 pm, my eyes got teary: I saw a man carrying a newborn. I wondered what is the name of Joseph's baby...I'm assuming it's a boy but I'm not sure. CR finally showed up and asked me how I was; "well, you know...". He knew. We'd talked about it briefly the night before.

At the coffeehouse
I was curious to go to this coffeehouse that I drive by when I go to my drum lessons/clinic. It's very pretty but very expensive. Due to my emotional state, I wanted some liquor but I wasn't going to pay $4 for alcohol in my coffee. I loved my iced coffee, though. CR didn't have anything. One day he decided he was drinking too much coffee and now he won't have any.

At a convenience store
CR wanted a beer so we drove into a small neighborhood until we reached a convenience store. A nice dog rested his head on my All-stars while CR got his beer in a black plastic bag, because apparently the store wasn't supposed to sell alcohol. What the fuck.

At a random park
Since I started hanging out with CR and Lighthouse, I visit a lot of parks. CR and I drove a couple of blocks away from the convenience store, and we went to this nice park, where we sat on a bench away from everything and from where you could see the entire soccer field.

There we talked about Joseph. It was a looong, heartfelt talk that, however painful, lifted my spirit. Right now I think I'm probably giving too much credit to some of CR's words, but he's allowed into Joseph's world so some things must be entirely true, beyond CR's point of view. The most relevant points discussed:

- CR says he doesn't know what I'm really going through but he understands my pain. He says Joseph and I were indeed like husband and wife, and I still have many years left before I'm completely healed from the break-up. CR says I'll be ok in three years and I'll be completely healed in seven, once the chemicals Joseph left in me -by our carnal encounters- vanish entirely. Sounds odd but I believe him.

- Joseph was adamant that he was going to marry you. I thought that's where you were heading, plus you looked good together. You guys should have married after two years of dating, you prolonged the relationship too much. BUT, picture this...two years into your marriage and Carmen comes back into his life [She and Joseph had a previous history together, that I didn't know of, before he met me]. You don't deserve being treated like that, and it'd been harder dealing with a legal separation, on top of the emotional one.

- CR was at the wedding, of course. But they didn't even dance together! I was going to tell him that Joseph is not much of a dancer......but the lady [his wife] danced with another guy! And Joseph danced with another woman! When I told him that the groom and bride dancing together was a tradition and not honoring it was bad omen, Joseph just told me to stay out of it. I said no more, but seriously, what the hell is up with that?

- CR says it will take me more than seven years to get over him if I "relapse". That is, if I get back together with Joseph. CR speaks like that's going to happen because of our remaining connection. I said to CR that Joseph doesn't even miss me. He replied that he and Joseph talk a lot about me. I told CR I know I let Joseph down in many ways and he must only think about me negatively. He does. He's all complaints about you. You hurt Joseph very much but he still talks about you! There's a fine line between hate and love. I'm guessing CR is of the opinion that bad publicity is still publicity. Well, yeah, I guess. Oh, and mind you, I didn't hurt him on purpose; I wish I hadn't hurt him at all.

- Joseph would be happier with me than he is with her, according to CR. But he also can't see Joseph as a dedicated husband and things aren't so well in his marriage. I get the feeling I used to bring out the best in Joseph and his wife does the opposite (small world, she was my best friend Victoria's neighbor; Victoria called her "devil"). Still, that's what he chose; he loves her and that's the kind of relationship he wants. He doesn't want me. Look, he's really paying everything with her. And your one punishment is not being there to witness it.

Say, that's a strong statement.

My feelings are mixed, but all in all I was very, very comforted. Maybe TOO hopeful that Joseph still thinks of me at all, but hey. CR punches me softly in my arm and tells me that I'll be ok, that I'm strong. That the biggest winner in this mess is me, and that if this hadn't happened, we wouldn't be good friends like we are now. CR is a fundamental support for me and talking about it at lenght made me feel better. It's still very painful, but he's been supportive and willing to let me know some things (others, he says, I'm not supposed to be told about) to break down my fixed idea that Joseph is way better off without me.

At a nature reserve
Lighthouse called to join us and we met behind another park, then we drove to a small nature reserve in the middle of the city behind a stadium. I kicked myself for not bringing my camera. The place was awesome!

We walked around the woods and the boys drank a can of beer each, sitting by a stream, while we watched four boys playing in it. We joked and talked assorted topics (including something about an Interesting House you could see from the park but they never showed it to me �__�) and then we went exploring under the rain. We climbed to the top of the hill and Lighthouse started to laugh when he realized that the very peculiar-looking house across the street on top, was his Godfather's. Right then it started to pour and we ran down the hill. We didn't get very wet because of the trees, though.

We took refuge under a hut. It rained a lot and in the meantime we talked stuff and decided what to do next. By then it was almost 6. We decided to hit the mall. Neither of us are big fans of hanging out in those places but Lighthouse wanted Cinnabon and maybe we could see a movie.

We got back to our cars and it turned out the gates had been locked, so we were locked in the reserve, along with the boys from the river. CR pulled a Tom Cruise and jumped the fence to go into the street and find someone who had the keys (the whole time we were joking CR was Mission Impossible Tom Cruise, by the way he was acting in the woods; we'd watched the 3rd MI movie the night before). Lighthouse, less keen on Impossible Missions, simply went to find the park ranger inside the park. And after about 10 minutes under the drizzle, the gate was opened for us. Thanks to Lighthouse, really. CR, obviously, didn't find anyone in the street who had the keys.

At the mall
Lighthouse was driving his own car and we were supposed to meet somewhere in the mall. He and I had a little misunderstanding so we were kind of waiting for each other (I was with CR) in opposite corners of that huge-ass mall. We agreed that most of it was wasted space -all that used to be a forest- but oh, well.

He didn't get his Cinnabon and we hated the current movie selection at the teather, so we just went to see toys and books at two stores. At 8 pm, I asked them to go have something to eat. They were stuck in the esoteric section.

We drove to the next town and had typical food. Talked a lot more and I arrived home at 9 pm. Lighthouse, always nice to me, offered to give CR a ride so I wouldn't get home later, and this time I took his offer. We may go to a science museum and go bowling next weekend! But we'll see, because I have to chase these boys around and they're always changing plans, but what's important is that they're always up for doing things with me. I love them both to pieces. I owe them a lot.

I'm ok. And I'll be better, even if I still have six years to go.

prev / next